Love bug's favourite piece of code!!

Sleepless on a winter night

2012-02-06T03:14:00.007+05:30

He rolled over in his bed; again. He had stopped counting after the seventh time this had happened. The chill in the air and the lullaby churned out by the rhythmic whirring of the fan failed to put him to sleep. He tried to look beyond the darkness that shrouded the walls and the roof. He failed. He shut his eyes, letting images that kept him awake fill his mind again. This wasn't the first time this had happened . This had become a common occurrence since the last some weeks. He knew not to expect sleep for the next few hours - just like he knew not to expect the reply to his previous sms.

Images of her reeled past his eyes, waiting momentarily to pull the smile on his lips wider. Memories, old and new, lured him into the enchantment that made him dream of her every night. Her appearance from the morning evoked in him an uncontrollable urge to be with her. The colors of her attire, dull golden and a glossy shade of pink, painted the darkness in them every time he opened his eyes. He chuckled at how words from those numerous imaginary conversations with her had desolated him that morning and he had found himself merely standing behind her wishing for her fragrance to waft into his nose.

Time and again his thoughts wandered across to that image of her fiddling with the stone studded strap of her sandal. He had looked up from her foot on the golden leather, finding a strange joy in those short toes and small, cute toenails, only to discover a more elating sight awaiting him. He looked at her hair meandering along her face, denying to cloud the radiance that emanated from it. The incongruity in appearance struck him. He sat mesmerized by the face that was strong and proud and eyes that did not give out their secrets. These contrasted well with the old memories he had of her - a face somewhat shy and nervous and eyes that had probably never had a secret. Laughter that was usually stifled, now rang in the ears for hours, sending the mind into a frenzy of exultation.

Just like he did in all those sleepless nights, he wondered again - if a day with her felt so good, how a lifetime with her would feel!

Coming of age - solitude

2011-06-29T03:42:00.018+05:30

He gazed at the sun emerge from behind the clouds that moments ago had obscured its glare. The same glare that now made it impossible to ascertain the color of its radiance. He watched in bliss the souffle of clouds entombing the sun, lone and dimming. The prospect of the darkness that was to follow comforted him. He had come to love the dark for it curbed his desire for company.

He re-read those lines. His smiles gave way to the old sting in his chest. It was not as intense as it had been in those initial days when it needed the eyes to dissipate the suffering. Now it almost unfailingly lost its way and scarcely brought out the tears. He read those lines again hoping to revive those dying emotions - enough to damp his eyes - but in vain. He recalled the lone and agonizing hours of the last few weeks, every minute of which he endured with a heavy and seeking heart.

His mind reeled back to the days when he had wished to grasp any one's fancy to make his phone ring, when names flashed and disappeared without troubling his messenger to buzz, and when words found no reason to leave the lips. He missed waiting eagerly for those small conversations that kept his spirits perpetually high and gave him something to look forward to.But a lot had changed in the weeks that followed.

He no more resented those days of forlornness. He had come to find solace in his aloofness that shielded his vulnerable heart. He zealously despised company for fear of another wound to his heart. He feared speaking for he now realized that it was a sin for reality to be stranger than fiction for minds have been so well conditioned by fiction that an outlandish piece of genuineness tends to lose its authenticity. He admired the beauty of solitude for he was now the only audience of his words that no longer needed to be spoken.

Excerpts.. The last meeting

2011-01-24T19:49:00.001+05:30

He opened the small box that enclosed his fate and looked at the floral arrangement of the white stones carefully grafted on the yellow metal – the metal that had so fascinated her and the stone she had always craved for. He knew that this was his only chance. For a moment, he was carried away from the misery of the last two weeks. He pictured the expression on her face when he would present it to her. He imagined her hands around him and her head on his chest. The thought made him smile – the first time in two weeks. He did not want to think of the contrary today. He knew her well and he was sure of his success. But somewhere deep in his heart, he also knew how unpredictable she could be.

He reached the bus stand half an hour before the bus was to depart. He did not want to take any chances today. After a fortnight of pleading, she had finally agreed to meet him and with the distance between them increasing ever passing day, it would be difficult to persuade her to meet him again a week later. He placed his bag in the overhead cabinet. The box that carried his fate lay stuffed in his shirt’s pocket. The corners poked into his chest causing him a slight discomfort. He chose the discomfort for it made him feel secure that his fate still lay with him.

The bus started to move marking the beginning of a sixteen hour long journey. It was still early in the evening. He had an entire night and a complete morning to pass before he could meet her. He tried to shut his eyes and get some sleep but like every day and every night in the last two weeks, it eluded him. He sat picturing his meeting with her. He had met her merely a month back and yet in this one month, the distance between them had multiplied manifold. He knew she had had her hair trimmed and they barely reached her shoulders. The visualization made him chuckle. He could imagine her looking like a kid; short hair always made her look like a kid. The image lingered in his thoughts for some time before they shifted to the reality that was to be faced the next morning.

For the first time in four years he found himself struggling to predict her reaction. His optimism was lost at bay; denying him the picture of a felicitous reconciliation. He tried hard but all he envisioned was a ruthless expression on her face and a biting tone in her voice. The thought gave rise to a stinging pain in his chest. He could see himself standing in front of her – speechless. He couldn’t think of what he would say if the unthinkable happened. The pain in his chest was now anguishing. He did not realize when he fell asleep.

The doorbell rang. His already racing heart started beating harder. With hands trembling, he opened the door.

She stood there wearing the black sari he knew belonged to her mom. A gentle smile adorned her face. His heart started beating harder in anxiety. He resisted a strong urge to kiss those fair shoulders that perfectly contrasted the black fabric. He smiled back and moved his eyes from her head to her toes. He smiled loud, looking into her eyes. Her smile broadened.

‘What! Haven’t you seen me in a sari before?’ The mischief in her voice was alive - again.

He looked away from her eyes, smiling. He hadn’t expected to meet her smiling face. Her smile made his heart beat faster in hope that his greatest fears won’t come true. He felt a strong desire to take her in his arms but the fear of not finding her hands around him prevailed. He decided to be patient and let her into the room.

He turned and faced his room. His clothes lay scattered on the mattress. The glass bowl that had served as his ashtray lay filled with ash and those numerous stubs that were the only remnants of the cigarettes he had smoked in the last week of emotional turbulence.
His anxiety suddenly lost its existence as the smoke from those cigarettes had. He stood staring at her; baffled by the sight that greeted him.

His eyes opened to the honking of the horn of the stationary bus. It sunlight was still soft. It was well past dawn but still quite early in the day. He looked at his watch. He still had a little more than two hours before his bus reached its destination. He had no clue about how long it would be before he reached his - if he did.

The memories of the latest prank played by his subconscious made him smile. He sat there hoping it was one of those dreams – dreams that came true. The age old legend about morning dreams coming true raised his level of optimism. He still felt that box poking at his chest but he reached out for it with his hand just to reassure his heart. He reclined as the bus started to move again. His heart was lighter now – just a bit. He was optimistic that he would be able to put together the pieces of his life that had had been jig sawed by choicest refinements of her desires...

You know you are in love...

2010-07-27T14:21:00.000+05:30

When every passing day makes the feelings stronger

And every passing seconds make the nights longer.

When all you wish for is a hint of her scent

And you know she's the one you always dreamt

When all that you think of in weeks

Are her words and the way she speaks

When her laugh makes you smile

And a small step feels like a mile

When every moment brings a new desire

That makes your heart fly higher

When all you want is her hand in yours

And you think of her when the rain pours

When all you dream of are your arms around her

And you hold your blanket as if it were her

When staying away is a pain

That no book can ever explain

When in those long sleepless nights

You burn in the fire her thought ignites

When you are haunted by her eyes

And the line of kohl she applies

When you get to meet her every day

And every night, the day looks so faraway

When you wish for your hearts to unite

In those lonely nights like tonight...

Of love and choices...

2010-01-04T04:50:00.000+05:30

The light died out with a loud beep from the laptop burying me in the dark grave my room resembled. I looked at the part of the floor just under the curtain. The moon usually lit up those few tiles in its journey across the sky. It was midnight and an almost full moon had been greying the night sky recently. However,the tiles were dark tonight. To quench my growing inquisitiveness. i set out for the door; my pupils still dilating, still unaccustomed to this sudden darkness. I pulled aside the curtain and slid open the door that opened into the balcony.

The scent of fresh rain filled my lungs. The world around was a stretch of darkness with a few lights scattered haphazardly, signaling the existence of the almost inconspicuous habitation. I stepped out onto the wet floor. A light drizzle and a cool breeze welcomed me. The rain drops hitting the face brought with them an unfathomable joy. I stood there relishing the rain the breeze and the darkness, bereft of thoughts. With eyes closed,mouth open,arms spread and a childlike joy in the heart, i looked up into the sky hoping to catch a few drops of the ambrosial rain, hoping someone/something to embrace me.

I moved to the railing and stared into the hollowness that surrounded me. A pinkish glow at the horizon merged into a grey shade that eventually dissolved in the black sky. No stars adored the sky tonight. Breaking the deafening silence of nature, Pink Floyd played on my laptop...

The grass was greener

The light was brighter

The taste was sweeter

The nights of wonder

With friends surrounded

The dawn mist glowing

The water flowing

The endless river

Forever and ever

The mind reeled back through the journey that started almost two years back. A journey undertaken for the sake of greater good - love. And here i stood on the grave of all dreams, looking wistfully at those days of pain and agony, lost more than Columbus ever was, wondering where life was heading. I stood cursing those months of isolation from friends who were closest to the heart, having lost myself in a whirlwind of emotions, feigning a smile to conceal a crying heart, detesting those numerous blabbers made to drive away loneliness. I remembered those days of sorrow and nights of loneliness. I remembered those weeks longing for moments of a feminine company. I remembered those months of wishing someone to hold my hand, to sooth my pain. It had been quite a long time and yet i stool alone. Those once close were now very far and those who were near were not so close. A cold shiver ran down the spine followed by a moment of realization of how much change the journey had brought. The journey that was all set to end in the next few weeks to mark the start of an unwilling new one. The heart was beating fast now. Not at the thought of the new journey but at the thought of everything i would be walking away from.

In the darkness i pictured friends who stood by me in times of need. Friends who got more closer than very old ones. Friends who had kept my secrets as securely as their own. Friends who made up most of my world for the last two years. Thoughts drifted to the place i had called home all this time. There was indeed the balcony that had heard the most treasured upon gossips with friends and had served as one of the best hangouts. The balcony that had seen me romance in the moonlight and had seen the rain wash away tears from my eyes. A gust of breeze blew the thoughts to my office. It was difficult figuring out what i was set to lose - those small chats, those tea making sessions, those crushes, those comments, those outings. I was indeed sure to miss my cubicle that bestowed upon me the exclusive right to sleep, watch movies and do what not in office hours, and for sure i would miss the girl who sits next to me. Sweet, simple, gossip-loving and a lot for what people would think of her. Something in me tells me i am gonna miss her a lot. Bothered by the smallest matter, always drowsy and with a severe memory problem greater than Ghajini, absolute fun to be with. I am unsure why but i seem to harbor a strange affection for her. I feel i can go on and on about her but i feel i should stop for i am sure she would file for harassment if she ever happens to read this. And how could i not miss her, the girl i had been in love with since the past so many weeks.

A thousand thoughts rush through the mind. I hadn't thought about her all this time. Another shiver brings me back to reality. A thousand, perhaps million images fill the mind. Images of her smiling, laughing, talking, amused, scared. I never realized i had to walk away from her. Someone i had been in love so deeply. Someone who had made a broken heart beat again. I closed my eyes. Her kohl filled eyes looked back at me. Those black mysterious gleaming eyes that are so difficult to look into. Her lips curled as they always did to hide the laughter. Her hair flowed with the breeze. Memories of those numerous but short interactions with her fill the mind. Memories of those words from the heart that were never spoken made the lips twitch. Memories of those nights spent looking at her pictures shook my existence. One journey had brought me so far from life and here i was starting another away from life. A revolting confusion filled the mind. For the first time in days i was unsure if moving on was the right thing to do. There was still a lot of thinking to do before the journey begins.... if it indeed does.

nostalgia...

2009-11-19T23:35:00.001+05:30

bas ek bar wapas lautne ka man karta hai

Aaj har wo din jeene ko man karta hai.

kuch buri batein jo ab acchi lagti hain

kuch batein jo kal ki hi batein lagti hain.

abki baar class attend karne ka man karta hai

Dopahar ki class mein aakhein band karne ko man karta hai.

Doston ke room ki wo baatein yaad aati hai

exam ke time pe wo hasi mazak yaad aati hai,

college ke paas Jaggi ka dhabe ki yaad aati hai

tab ki bekar lagne wali photos chehre pe hasi laati hai.

Apni galtiyon pe tumse daat khana yaad aata hai.

Par tumhari galti dekhne ka ab bhi mann karta hai.

Ek aisi subah uthne ka mann karta hai

bas ek bar wapas lautne ka man karta hai.

bas ek bar aur

wapas lautne ka man karta hai

Diwali : of candles, chocolates and her...

2009-11-03T15:25:00.000+05:30

I looked out at the vast lit-up stretch that the city had become. Diwali did well to be called the festival of lights. Even with the new moon the sky had put on a dirty shade of scarlet. More lights adorned the city than i had noticed before during my long stay in the house; right from the traditional diyas which still survived because of the hardworking(or rather work-less) fanatics who still had time to get them ready, to the modern ways of lighting that made the festival look more like a marriage party and less like a festival : all done in goodwill to attract the mother of them all...Lakshmi :P

It was about time for sound to hijack the festival and start those few hours of agony, the end of which made you feel if you had been rendered deaf. The mind was lost wondering how the next few hours would be. The ruckus that was to follow was not a concern today. The heart kept beating,the beats getting faster every minute, in anticipation that the door-bell would ring any moment. She had accepted my invitation to come over only to be the cause of a sleep-deprived night and a furore filled afternoon to get things perfect. And still, with everything laid out to perfection, there was a cold shiver running down the spine at the thought that a jealous Murphy might be getting restless in his grave and might subject me to the consequences of his law.

The bell rang. With the heart beating hard, eyes anxious for her sight and the mind weaving dreams that might come true, i opened the door. She stood smiling. Her head characteristically tilting to the left as she did so. Dressed all in black, she was the paradigm for the portrayal of the perfect virgin (not from the sexual purview...perverts!!!!). It always cost me a lot of effort to look into those deep eyes of hers. But today, looking away seemed far too difficult. I wasn't sure if it was the comfort of my house or the solace of her smile that held my eyes fixed on her's; tempting me to plunge deeper into them, beyond the limits i had explored in those short yet memorable moments with her.

She walked into the hall lit up by those numerous candles that willingly subjected themselves to the torture of the flames; only to catch of her glimpse of her face illuminated by their light. There was a look of overwhelming awe on her face as she waded through the pool of flickering flames. Her eyes shone with delight at the unexpected deed my heart had successfully made me pursue. No force in the world could have stopped me from kissing her if she had looked any more lovable. Being pretty was one thing and being very pretty was another. But she looked fatally pretty; subjecting my heart to a moments of emotional turbulence which i had never experienced before. And as if her looks weren't enough to trouble my normal being, she sat nibbling at the already small sized pieces of chocolate i had got for her; each bite as delicate as her lips looked. The sight of the gentle movement of her facial muscles as she chewed each chunk of cocoa milk and sugar was driving me crazy. I was jealous of the chocolate that was lucky enough to taste the bliss of her lips. I wished i could have a chunk that had been blessed by her lips. I was willing to be that chunk of chocolate to taste the bliss of her lips. I was ready to be that chunk of chocolate to be treated with so much care by her.

"Even the manufactures wouldn't have thought their chocolate would be treated with so much care." I had no idea from where that came but i was glad it did. That one line had set her laughing. Even the curl of lips that always drove me crazy couldn't hold her laughter today. It felt great to hear her laugh. I would had leaped to plant my lips on her cheeks if i it were my last day on earth. But tonight i wished i had many more with her.

"You wanna watch a movie?", i asked.

"Sure",she replied. "What do you wanna watch?"

"You".

There couldn't had been a better reply to that question. She stared into my eyes for a few moments in disbelief; unable to believe what she had just heard. My eyes were firm, a smile on my face. For the first time since i had met her, i saw her eyes drop. I had always been cognizant of a shy girl within her. But it felt blessed seeing her shy away in front of my eyes. My eyes gazed upon her's as she engrossed herself with my laptop. I knew it was only a means to ward off any blushes my "You" had caused. The heart played painter, painting her face into imaginary canvases in semblances that it(the heart) thought would make her look more splendid. My eyes traced her's drawing a thin line of Kohl that the heart had always hoped to see. The gold necklace and small earrings were just perfect. The eyes traced their path to the forehead that was missing the bindi that would had bewitched me every time i looked at her and haunted me every time i thought of her. Even with all those adornments, something was still amiss.

"I think you would look a lot better with you hair open." I don't know what gave me the guts to say that but i am thankful i did coz what followed were numerous moments of her shying away. Even in the dimness of the candlelight, i saw her blush. I kept gazing into her eyes hoping she would look back. She felt my eyes gazing at her face. She could not afford to look back lest my penetrating stare landed her in more moments of shyness.

She walked out to the balcony under the pretense of watching the fireworks that now dotted the sky. I walked out behind her. The cold breeze made its presence felt, strong enough to cause a little discomfort to the eyes and cold enough to send shivers with every strong gust. She stood watching, her hands resting on the railing. I walked right behind her and pulled out the piece of cloth that held her hair. She did not move. Her entire body stood still. For moments, she didn't even care to breath. Something in me told me she had closed her eyes. I stood still. A few moments, a deep breath and a few shivers later, i took a step forward. I stood inches away from her. A sway forward and our bodies would touch. The breeze was making her hair fly. They swept my face, forcing me to keep my eyes closed. Her fragrance wafted across to my nostrils. I had always loved the way she made her cologne smell. I had effortlessly forced myself to believe that she made her cologne smell so good. I hadn't been able to make myself believe that any human can create a fragrance so divine.

I wanted to reach out for her hands that were only inches away. I wanted her to feel my warm breath on her neck. I wanted her shoulders to feel my warm lips. I wanted to whisper in her ears. A thousand desires gushed through the heart. The diffidence landing me in a turmoil which made me feel helpless. I tightened my grip on the band that had held her hair. I could feel a few broken strands of hair sticking to it. They say fortune favors the brave but my bravery was lost dreading events that a single wrong act might cause. I stepped back and moved to her side, enjoying the view the night had blessed with. I pulled out the broken strands of hair from her band and put them into my pocket. It does sounds silly but as they say, "anyone can be passionate, but only a real lover can be silly", and that i am.

A (long) chapter on my progress...!!!

2009-10-15T23:24:00.000+05:30

I tried and tried so hard...and yet words deceive me. Its nothing to do with me... its all about the state you have landed me in!!!

'Hi', i said.

'Hieeeeee', she replied. I loved the way she elongated the 'e'.

'Wats up?'

'Nothing'.

She hadn't even looked at me. She had been busy searching for something in her bag.

I looked into her eyes which had been quizzed by the cryptic disappearance of whatever she had been looking for and yet there was uncanny delight on her face at not being able to find it.

After a brief hunt she found it, whatever it was,looked up at me and lipped a big smile. I gave her a quick smile and hastily turned away my head and started looking at her bag. I had always been dazzled by her eyes looking into mine. I had tried looking into her eyes a million times, each time getting so lost in their depth that it made me wonder if she could read my emotions. I kept staring at her bag thinking how to strike a conversation when she spoke again.

'So, what's up with that new girl on you blog?'

'Oh! You read it. Nothin much.'

'Is she actually as good as you write her to be?', she said; mischief budding in her voice.

'She's actually a lot better than that', i replied. My eyes switched rapidly between her bag and her face; afraid to catch her eyes. She had been staring at me. I bet the intent was to see me blush and i fear i did.

'Really?', she said. There was a sweet mockery in her voice. Damn! She knew i was blushing.

'Seems you are jealous', i struck back. I was trying hard to prevent any further reddening of my face.

'Rubbish', she replied. Smiling and starting the hunt for another minuscule item in her bag.

It had always amused(and sometimes irritated) me to think of how many things girls carried with them...all the time!!! Right from the utile pen and paper to the scores of futile bills that helped them keep a track of(or rather motivate them to break the record for) how much they had spent. Not to miss the mandatory(and speakable) hair-brush,lip gloss and/or lip balm and the small box of female powder (dunno what it is actually called though) to the occasional and up-speakable item(s) whose existence almost every guy knew or could guess.(I am not being gross!!! I am only being bold enough to admit it and informative to gals who still believed guys never knew...big time for them to grow up!!!). Years with a girlfriend, a lot of very close friends(who happened to be girls... not the other way around!!!) and the profound belief that there was nothing wrong looking into a girls bag(if you are mature enough to accept there might be some requirements sometimes and you are sane enough not to be freaked out by those requirements) had made me a veteran of raids into gal's bags. I never cared about being called bad mannered coz i knew even those who called me that knew i wasn't ;) and it(the contents) had actually freaked me out...not from what i found but wondering what it didn't contain. How can ~~gals~~ anyone carry the bill for a coffee costing 30 bucks they had a year back and still be possessive enough if you offered to get rid of it for them. HOW???

Today however i was all praise for that should-be-patented quality. The more she looked into her bag, the more i could look at her. Without any fear of being dazzled or my emotions being read.

'You look lovely. Can i kiss you please? A long one on your cheek. Please!Please!Please! I can make it short if you want. But i just want my lips on those cheeks. Please!Please!Please!'

The heart had started speaking loud now. The only respite was that she could not hear it speak. But it was infusing some confidence into me. Garnering all the boldness i could at that precise moment, i spoke.

'You wanna have some coffee? CCD's around the corner.'

I don't know if the heart had stopped beating or if was beating too fast to make out the beats. But i was staring into her eyes,trying to hide all my nervousness, willing to pay whatever it would take to take back those words,secretly wishing she agreed. Her eyes, as unreadable as they always were, were throwing me a stern look with a big question mark on her face. I wasn't sure if the question mark was a result of what i had just said or for the answer to the question i had just asked.

'Sure'.

Cloud 9,90,...900,....9000.... I was flying. The first date... unofficial...short... yet a date!!! What mattered was that i was finally gonna spend time with her...alone...talking to her... looking at her speak... looking at her smile... hearing her speak and probably would also get a chance to drown in the endless depth of her eyes.

'So whos this girl?'

Damn! She still lingered on the same topic. My mind skimmed through the questions it had come up with. Was she jealous? Did she know? Should i change the topic? Should i give her some clues? Should i let her find out it's her? Should i tell her its someone else? Should i create someone? ...and the questions continued. I managed to keep the identity hidden without ruling out the possibility that it could be her. Only to be bombarded with more and more questions about her. All open ended ending with more-open ended answers from me.

'At least tell me is she from your office?'. She placed her right elbow on the table;her forearm resting flat on the table. The tireless and vain questioning session and her insatiable curiosity blended flawlessly making her face look angelic. Her head tilting to her left...hoping i at least answered this question, she stared into my eyes;her smile driving me crazy...every passing moment!!!

'Oh! my angel. You have landed me in an eternal deadlock. Don't look so beautiful that i am forced to answer for i don't want to; lest it changes the look on your face'

I was bonked this time. There could be only two answers to this. One answer as good as pointing at her and saying it's you, the other answer needed me to lie. I avoided it again only to lead the way to what felt like eons with her. But as they say, everything must end and sadly even the eons did; making sure i had enough memories to last for weeks on my balcony.

'Nice bike', she said,coming out. 'Any girl blessed its pillion seat yet?'

'Well, a few gals did sit on it. There's a nice place nearby. If you wanna go there it might get blessed.' What the... !!! I did not realize i had just said this but i had.

As if her eyes were not driving me crazy enough that she had to curl her lips to stifle her laugh. The result - another smile. The most beautiful i had seen in all these days. I searched for some expressions in her eyes but they were two beautiful enchanted beads that made you forget what you had been looking for. And right now, they were doing well to make me forget my very existence. The only existent entity was her resplendent face, bewitching every particle of my body to be captivated by the spellbinding pull of her divine allurement.

'Some other time...'.

I had something to look forward to.

And it happened...

2009-09-19T20:45:00.000+05:30

I pulled the blanket over my head. The cold morning and the full speed rotation of the fan were sending shivers across the body. The perfect start to a saturday morning; the unwilling early rise, only to be followed by a undisturbed long slumber would only make the sleep more fulfilling. I reached out for my mobile under the pillow;optimistically believing it was still too early in the night(and not early in the day!!!) and i had hours,if not days, to sleep before the sun threw its photons into my room.

A few failed attempts at retrieving my phone were quite annoying at the start of the day,given the fact i wasn't expecting it to start for some more hours. With irritation growing with every futile rotation of the fan, that did not make me sleep again, i forced myself to enter a few moments of consciousness to get an estimate of the duration of the (hopefully)long errand i wanted to sustain. After a brief struggle with my vexing facial muscle, i managed to force my eyes open. It was dark under the blanket; the effort to get the eyes open was rewarded. Procrastinating, as was the habit, i decided for a few more moments of an open-eyed stare into the darkness of my furry cocoon before i started the hunt for my mobile, which i believed had been subjected to one of the fiery waves of my hand in some midnight battle with some serpentine king of some underground world under the Atlantic that caused ships to drown in the Bermuda Triangle. (The child in me is still active :P !!!!!)

The unexpected only happens when you don't expect it to. That actually was a bad,or rather pathetic,line but the unexpected happened. My thoughts drifted faster than the speed of thought. There were a pair of eyes, somewhat shy, somewhat not;the mystery in them never let me decide. The pair of eyes my eyes feared to meet;lest they be dazzled by their radiance. There was a sober face;the innocence of which never let my eyes look away. A smile so intoxicating; it provided solace even to the relaxed mind. There a was a voice so gentle,the ears craved for every hum they made. The memories of those few meetings with her appeared to be etched somewhere in the deep core of the heart. A feeling of overwhelming joy spread its wings around my heart;gripping me firmer with every realization of how much i remembered every treasured moment with her.

I voted against pursuing the search for my mobile whose immaterial existence no longer mattered. I threw away my blanket and walked over to where the moment demanded;my balcony. It wasn't as early as i had conceived. It was well past those eight minutes that the sun takes to rise(or set for that matter). The entire expanse of concrete and greenery,from the proximity of the vicinity to the distant spread of the horizon, lay submerged in the milky white blanket of mist that marked the onset of winter. The chirping of the sparrows, the cooing of the pigeons, the shrill cry of a cuckoo trying to attract a mate, the occasional barks of dogs,the uninterrupted rambling from some distant mills and the chance honking by some faraway vehicle broke the silence of the morning. I stood there staring at the mist that spread. My thoughts as blurred as the mist made the ground.

For a while i did not realize i had been smiling. For all the time i had been there i had been thinking of her;smiling,i believe, at every thought of her that had(or even if it didn't have) the potential to make my smile. I was enjoying the beauty of the moment, the beauty of the surrounding, the beauty of the virgin morning,unbroken by the sounds of nature and by those man-made ones that inadvertently added secret ingredients to the a surreal concoction of nature. The air was cold and the cold breeze wrapping itself around my long, almost bare legs made it feel colder. But nothing deterred my mind in its desire to stay lost in her thoughts.

The morning progressed, the warm rays of the sun driving away the frigidity from the air. The bright light forcing me to step away into the shade of a roof;unable,however, to divert my thought from what were no more mere memories of her. The heart was filled with joy. The kind they makes you jump high in the air and i did that. It still puzzled my mind but the realization gradually grew and with another big smile on my face, i accepted that i was falling in, or rather already in, love. The mirth in my heart made me venture out of my house, venture out of those weekend filled with movies,songs,books;going out for tea which i never had;breath the fresh warm air. Longing the day would pass soon for me to get lost in her thoughts again in the romance of the night.

The brightness of the day dissolved into the darkness of the night and the white clouds stole tinges of black from the night sky. The moon sailed across the dark sky peeping silently onto my balcony;blowing gently and drowning my in its silver light. The stars smiled and so did i, feeling the breeze,cold again, ruffle my hair. I spread myself on the comfort of my couch,happy to be lost in her thoughts again,happy to be in love. As the night grew darker the feelings grew stronger. I wished for her to be with me,lying by my side,staring at the stars, gazing at the clouds fly by. I wished to see her face lit up by the moonlight and to see her eyes gleaming in the dark. I wished to see her smile to hear her laugh. I wished to hold her hands and fly into the bliss of the open sky. I wished to hear her say something, anything at all. I wished to hold her close to the heart. I wished... i wished...i wished... for i was in love!!!

Another night with her...

2009-09-16T15:47:00.000+05:30

I slid the door and took the first step out. I hadn't been there in months. For months it had been just office and my room, closed,stuffy,dingy. The existence of my endeared balcony had been buried deeper with every attempt to mow down the budding feelings in that deserted emotion called love. The rain-scented air filled the lungs,washing away those lingering thoughts that bound the heart to those memories of the past that disguised themselves as the mementos of the glorious past, a harbinger of those moments,days,weeks or sometimes months of thought that made you wonder if those divine moments would ever come again.

The clouds flowed across the dark sky, failing miserably in their attempt to wipe out the existence of the moon; revealing the ash gray cover of the early winter fog. The lights along the horizon shimmered as the body lay wrapped in the cold breeze; the mind retracing the path across the sands of time. Memories,happy memories, filled the mind; memories of those numerous first times...the first smile, the first 'hi', the first date, the first lipping of those three magic words, the first time holding hands,the first hug, the first kiss... and all those first times that you treasure because you imagination fails you to dream of something better and you are forced to believe that something better can never exist.

The night grew cooler...the breeze breezier;sending shivers across the body. Dragging the mind back into the truth of the reality;away from the futile retentions of the past,that anchor the heart to the yesterday that was; unaware that the past tense might always remain. Aware, however, that folly is a trait of the heart and yet it(the heart) prevails...and recreates the past...

...the hands reached out for the hand that was always there to be held; fingers entwining around their short,soft counterparts. The face drowned in those black wind-blemished strands of hair that made the dark night darker. Her fragrance filled the nostrils, marking the beginning of the perfect intoxication. The warm breath on the neck sent shivers down the spine;the fingers tightening their hold. The whisper in the ears echoed for eternity as the lips traced their way from the neck to the cheeks showering kisses all along. She felt the hands move across her,locking her in a warm embrace,caressing her back, feeling her existence so close to the heart. The feet felt her weight as she climbed on them;happy to bear her weight. The breath grew heavier as the faces came closer. A whisper in her ear,those three words,set her heart flying;she knew they were meant. Eyes closed as the lips experienced the ultimate taste of bliss. Words were laid to rest as the lips spoke,expressing feelings that language might never contemplate.She had a pair of hands on her waist,just as she liked it. She had the comfort of a chest to rest her head on, she had a pair of feet that would happily bear her and she had one heart that loved her more than any other heart ever can. She knew she would have them...forever!!!

The eyes opened to the chirping of the birds. Ending a dream that should never had ended... even if it meant the eyes to stay closed for ever. The morning breeze smelt fresh. I wished for it bring along her fragrance, but she was far away...too far away. Sleeping cuddled in the warmth of her blanket, a childlike innocence adorning her face. I smile and whispered... i love you idiot!!!

http://enlighteningturmoil.blogspot.com/2009/03/night-silence-spoke.html calls for a revisit :)

I will write..

2009-09-09T16:11:00.000+05:30

I will write...more frequently!!! As i used to.

I will publish those posts i did not.

I will find an anti-vaccine for the love vaccine.

I will write....

Emotional masks...

2009-07-30T19:38:00.000+05:30

I stood naked. The breeze sending out shivers across my rain-drenched body.The door had been left open to let the breeze in. The light hadn't been turned on to create an aura of cold-bloodedness. The rays from distant lights tried to ward off the darkness, failing miserably in their attempt to provide respite from the bleakness. With one swift motion of the hand, it started...

They hit the head first;finding their way through the hair.The first drops trickled down the cheeks. The mind warned the body about the discomfort that was to follow,raring the feet to step back. But the feet let stupidity prevail; listening to the heart again... yet again. Moments later it happened. I craned my head up to take the blow straight on my face. Neck still craned, i managed to keep my eyes open; looking directly into the fierce spray of chilling water from the shower.

The body felt the deep pangs of the cold water piercing through the skin at million places. Within moments stream of water trickled down the body;like the tentacles of beast slithering all across its prey, robbing the body off the last traces of heat. I stood there gasping, host to the deep pounding in the head, uncertain if i would ever breath again. The eyes closed. The image of a red balllon flashed...rising up...falling down. Another flash, the look in her eyes... the deep thought...inconclusive deep thought...the emotions masked... the fake expressions. A warm pain originated from the heart. In an instant its warmth spread across the body, numbing the pain it had been experiencing. Fresh air filled the lungs. The jets of water no longer hurt. The eyes opened. No more flashes. The pain in the heart died out. The breeze no longer felt cold. With another swift movement the water stopped, marking the end of an evening that was meant to be special... leaving the 'end' in search of an apt adjective.

Castles aren't built in the air, and joy shouldn't be planned on imaginations. A four day wait, a day's worth of effort perfecting things for the 'special' evening, days of imagining her amused expression, nights longing for the warm hug... all gone in a moment...in a moment of thought... a thought of the kind that only makes you think more. No amusements, the warm hugs giving way to frigid ones and a lot of those masks... emotional masks... the ones that try to express what you want to undermining the heart's feelings; unaware that there's someone who can look deep into your eyes to see your emotions gasping for breath,being strangled by thoughts that deceive you as being your armor and forbid you to bask in the pleasance of moments that might never come again.

The Kiss....

2009-07-23T16:22:00.000+05:30

In the silence of the night,

In the faint orange light,

The winds decide to stay quiet,

Waiting for our hearts to unite.

As I lay drowned in your scent,

If I could only explain what it meant,

To hold you so close to the heart,

Wishing the moment would never depart.

Without a warning,without a clue,

As if planned by someone who knew.

Every moment the intimacy grew,

Unknown to me the passion brew.

I felt the eyelids drop,I felt the heartbeat stop,

I felt you breath,soothing the pain beneath,

I felt it happen,felt my lips dampen,

One peck, then the other,without a thought to bother.

A moment for all those years,

A moment for all those fears,

A moment for those burning fires,

A moment for the heart's desires.

Its the same night,

Its the same light,

But there's something amiss,

The feeling of perfect bliss...

Your company and the kiss.

The night silence spoke...

2009-04-21T17:52:00.000+05:30

The sand apeeared to be an enormous white carpet leading to an unknown world across the horizon. The moon lit up thousands of silver lights that shimmered in the sea . Clouds, white and grey , glided across the sky, unwilling to miss the romance below. The sky glowed in a dark shade of blue. The occasional crashing of waves on rocks nearby and the rustling of leaves were the only sounds that broke the silence of the night.

Just where the kingdom of the waves ended, stood a table,adorned with a white table cloth complementing the night. On the tables smiled white lilies, embracing every gust of the cold breeze with their petals. The damp fragrance of the night wafted across the place. Amid this perfect harmony of nature...

She sat. Right across me. Dressed all in white, hair let loose, flowing as the wind wanted them to... hiding a part of her face, bestowing upon me the honour of her ingenuous visage. She looked as lovable as she always did with closed eyes. There was the discomfort from the unruly hair on her face and yet there was delight. Content with her heart's fill of the breeze, she pulled aside the curls of hair that covered her face. Still relishing the intoxicating breeze, she slowly forced her eyelids open. Her eyes still had the twinkle they always had. She looked into my eyes. She blinked once.

Her lips moved to mouth the same smile she had the first time we met. There was delight and yet there was an unfelt nervousness. Images of that fortunate day filled my mind. The maroon top and the checked trousers... those first words... everything as fresh as if it were just this morning. I could had looked at her smile that way forever. But somethings are meant only for the first time and that smile of her's was one of them.

She sat there looking at me smiling in her own mischievous way. The way she always did to tease me... everytime she wanted to test my patience. She looked so huggable... so kissable. Every bit of my heart wanted to reach out for her hand on the table. It was just inches away from my hand. She dared me to reach out for it that but she knew I wouln't. All these years had perfected telepathy between us. Emotions no longer needed words. Expressions conveyed every feeling the heart felt... and better than words could ever.

I sat there playing along her mischief. Gathering every bit of courage to break the barrier. To reach out for her hand. She wanted me to... unwilling to admit it. While the night waited for the barrier to break, the waves broke their barrier. They decided to be the harbinger of love. They broke away from their kingdom... washing her feet... ending her mischief. Her eyes lit up in delight... as they did with everything related to water. The wind decided to play sport and pushed the clouds over the moon.

It grew dark... only a faint light in the distant sky. Another barrier broke and i reached for her hand. It felt soft and warm. Just as they had been the first time i held them. Small...soft... feminne. A beam of silver light escaped the clouds. It lit up something on her finger. It was the same ring... a small token of my unfathomable love. I looked up at her. There was no mischief in her eyes anymore. There was submission....submission to my love... submission to the inequitable epitome of unconditional aroha.

I tightened my fingers around her hand. I was looking deep into her eyes. Churning out every feeling hidden deep in the vastness of those eyes. Her hand was still... unsure of what it should do. There were a thousand questions in her mind. She sat debating the answers. Her heart was betraying her power to reason. And then ... i felt her fingers across my palm. The grip got firmer. There was complete submission in her eyes. I read her thoughts. She still remembered the first time we held hands. She still remembered the walk ... she still remembered my hand on her shoulders. She wished for it again...

She wished for my arms around her... she wished for her head on my chest... she wished for my lips on her forehead... she wished for me breath in her ears. She remembered the nights spent in each other's arms... she remebered the whispers in each other's ears... she remembered those nights which weren't supposed to see days... she remembered those days that were never supposed to make the nights wait. She remembered those days of loneliness... she remembered those nights of hope... she remembered the day it started... she remembered the day they parted.

She tried hard to hide her feelings but her expressions betrayed her. Her eyes pleaded her desire to be taken up in arms. Her lips cried out to be kissed. I got up and walked up to her. Her hand still in my hands. She stood there... subconscious... unaware of the surroundings... having surrendered herself to the depth of her desires... waiting to be swept off her feet... into a world of dreams, where she would be the priceless desire of the heart that could love her more than the worldly mortals can even dream of.

She felt his arms around her. She threw her arms around him . She could feel her heart beating hard. She knew he would feel it too but she no more cared to hide her feelings. It felt heavenly to feel the warmth of his body... to feel as secure as she always felt in his arms... she felt his breath in her ears. It spent a shiver down her spine. She felt his lips on her forehead... there was nothing more comforting. She felt his lips on her cheeks. She wanted to kiss him but she was no more in control of her body. She felt his breath on her neck... on her face... on her lips. Its warmth was welcoming in the cold breeze. She knew she was going to be kissed. The breath grew warmer... and warmer. She closed her eyes... she laid down her last armour.

And then, all the warmth suddenly disappeared... she no longer felt secure... she did not feel his arms around her... she did not feel his chest against her head. She opened her eyes but he was nowhere around. She was pulled back to reality... reality where he existed only in her memories and that is only where he would now exist. For his world was now different. But even in his new world, she was the only one he would ever love!!!

The dawn or the twilight??

2008-12-14T03:51:00.000+05:30

Another moonlit night in my balcony with me on the same old couch again. Around a month since i was here the last time. Well its not the night anymore; its almost dawn... 4 o' clock in the morning and the moon is out of sight now but the night still hangs over. The month gone was groovy to the extent that i remember nothin about it. Absolutely nothing except ... my birthday which came and went by... forgotten by the person who mattered(i dunno if the past tense is actually correct) a lot, without wishes from my Idiot(thats is something i expected... unwillingly though) or her mother (thats someone i firmly believed would call, but in vain :( ) ; a bike trip to Mumbai five days later (that was necessitated by my impatience to express my feelings for...the girl in the previous post) that too in vain without getting a chance to meet; two restless days waitng to meet her; two SMSes(again???WTF?? yup, i asked that to myself but at times i get too impatient); the same result as the old SMS story... though not that harsh; and days of boozing...thats actually just a metaphor. It was just a means of running away from life and i ran so fast i literally started flying. So here i am now flying away from life, probably so fast it wouldn't be surprising if i meet death tomorrow :) The thought doesn't make me sad; quite the opposite, it makes me happy.

Before more of anything, my wisest piece of philosphy yet..

"The fulfilment of the greatest desires of the heart is always a factor to time. You wish to fulfil them but you keep procastinating fearing things won't go the way you want and you would be left in a mess of shattered dreams. It is this fear that makes you see more dreams each of which make you happier each passing day and yours desires get stronger by the nights you spend on those dreams. Finally someday you gather the strength to overcome the fear of seeing your dreams shattered...

...but then, years have passed and you realise you don't matter to people who mattered the most to you and you stumble upon another realisation in life that leaves you more lonely every passing day... and that realisation never goes away until the day your soul decides to leave your body for the heavenly abode where it can probably have as much of everything as it desires but then it hardly matters because yours eyes have now closed happy seeing dreams that never came true, your ears are no longer wait to hear the voice that made you heart beat and you heart still carries the burden of all those unfulfilled desires you wished you had cared to fulfill when your existence mattered..."

For years you dream of that lost part of your life, sculpting it the way you want it to be, picturing it to be the same as it was over a decade ago, hoping to find it someday. Years pass and that same old image is engraved in your heart deeper than probably any other memory. The desire to find that lost part gradually flares up and you find yourself helpless, yearning for that part in times of lonliness, for your imagination has deceived you with just optimistic images and your heart finds solace only in only those hallucinating imaginations.

Too much philosophy i guess and that also makes me sound a sadist but that doesn't change the truth. I am sad,true, but i am not very sure what makes me sad. The fact that i hate myself for what i am now makes me sad for sure. Yes its true. I hate myself for what i am or rather what i have become. I am no more the same jolly guy who was emotionally strong enough to stand up strong as a wall to anythin in life. Events in life have left me emotionally as vulnerable as strong i used to be. The fighter in me seems lost in deep slumber,if not dead. Even mammoth efforts to kill the romanticism in me have failed (the romanticism in me makes me all the more sadder for reasons still unmentioned). I have forgotton the emotion called happiness. I am leading an aimless life unsure of the pettiest of things i want to do. Its for that precise reason i hate myself and also because of my inability to hate the person who probably happens to be the cause of everything i am going through.

The final outcome happens to be my immaterial existence without any desire to, my decision to fly away from reality, my hatred for my life facilitated by my high bloodpressure and sometimes bloody nose, my inability to hate a preson i love, the mess of shattered dreams my life has become and the my growing hatred for the Moon which keeps alive the romanticism in me.

Every night the eyes close to the most priceless dreams. Every morning the eyes open to the reality of those dreams shattered. Then one day the eyes won't open. The dream won't break for I would be in the world where dreams would no more be the intangible assets of the heart. Its for that precise reason that I still dream...

The truth of the years gone...

2008-11-12T00:59:00.000+05:30

Finally an early end-of-day at the office. Probably the first time i left office before time in weeks and its probably in weeks that i rediscovered the moon shining onto my balcony. That same old balcony, again flooded with silver moonlight...inviting me to get drowned in its romanticism... to get lost in... in... i am not sure whose thoughts. Life seems to be too much confusing. Not as confusing as the tharki Gambo who has fallen in love with the last seven girls he has interacted with... but still confusing. On one hand theres Pune Blues...sweet and simple stealing my sleep for days now. And on the other theres the girl i have loved for years now...naughty, lively and simply lovable.I guess i would let the missing tooth make my heart beat for now. Pune Blues i guess would have to wait for some more days before she takes ownership of my heart.

No matter how much i try, its still difficult to get over her. Over five years of running away from the realisation of being in love with her and i seem to have carried the realisation with me. Now the thought of being in love with her haunts me. I don't know if its too late to reveal the realisation or if the revelation would change things to be the way i would never them to be. I would never come to know what might happen until i take that bold step forward and i am not sure if i would ever take that step forward.

For years it had been the same image of her with short hair and gold earrings that had haunted the mind. Without even a hope of seeing her again the heart decided to wait for her, expecting her to turn up with the same visage someday. Class sixth was when i saw her again, after a gap of over five years. She was dressed all in black and looked exacltly how i had expected her to. I don't have more memories of that day when i was so excited, i probably didn't even talk to her. Then again for years the hope to meet her again was lost. Even with other things in life taking priority, she was always there at some deep corner of the heart, with the same hair, the same rings and the same smile. I was too reluctant to accept she would change in the years i hadn't seen her. Everytime i felt the need for a friend, she was there... in my imagination, just as i would have wished her to be. That somehow didn't help as the desire to meet her peaked gradually.

As unplanned as it was, she turned up one fine day. Right there in front of my eyes. Not as i expected her to be but then it hardly mattered. We were to be in the same class and we would be together again for four years atleast. The ring was gone, the hair was different but now it really didn't matter. I found solace in her. She was not much different from the way i had imagined her to be and i was happy in months. Why things didn't go the way i would had wanted them to go happens to be a different story. But we came close...

I now understand whay 'Devdas' seems so close to my heart. The childhood company... the separation... the reunion.... the unspoken yet existent love...the loss... and the route to doom following the loss. I seem to be treading the same path now. Not because i was inspired by 'Devdas' but at times you need to forget things and the ways you adopt to forget them doom you. All is not lost as long a hope exists and its the same hope that still makes me fight my way back from doom. But then, events in life have left me too much fatigued to put up a fight of the caliber expected from me... but nevertheless i still fight...and fight coz she wants me to....and i fight coz of my love for her... :)

Blast into the past :(

2008-11-02T14:21:00.000+05:30

I don't know why i have to be the biggest enemy of myself. I don't know why i still read those old mails and chat histories. I don't know why i still search for happiness in those good old days. I don't know why i still don't delete them.I don't know why...

Yet again i dared to read those old texts, and i admit i was happier than i have been in days, before the chats of that fateful day...June 6 to be precise. Yet again i lost control of myself. Yet again emotions surged. Yet again the i felt the blood pressure rise. Yet again the nose bled. Yet again i needed tranquilizers. Yet again i am back to the same place from where i had been trying to run for months now. Yet again i miss someone in life. Yet again i realised there won't be that person in my life anymore.

No matter how much you try running away from certain things they keep coming back. But why do things you run towards never come towards you. It makes me wonder if all these days of running were actually any help. I am not sure of the Pune Blues diversion was any use. I am not sure if i am actually in love again. Given the fact that there was someone else in my mind all the time. And i am not sure what i would do in near future. The facts that relate to love and nostalgia also relate to anger. I don't know what angers me. I don't know where my anger would lead me. I seem to have displayed enough of love and sacrifice. I don't know when i would have the chance to display my possessiveness. But the display of it would come surely for when you love something very dearly you can't let it be with someone who can't love it as much as u can. Not for the hate of losing it, but for the love of giving it the best it can have.

The high dose of sleeping pills seem to be taking its toll. I am too dowsy to write. The bleeding nose is normal again. The heartbeats are still irregular, signs of drug overdose(not the narcotic types) :) I love where my life is heading the same way as i love my Idiot.... still!!!

The war, the victory and the credit..

2008-10-27T00:28:00.000+05:30

Distance = 10 km

Time = 7 mins

Top speed = 118 kmph

Feeling = Awesome

No imagination this time. These happen to be my statistics in a bike race i participated in. No points to guess i won.

Chanakya once said, " the best way to overcome fear is to attack it". Its the same quote that a few years back helped me overcome my fear of darkness. And its the same quote that today helped me in my pursuit to overcome the fear of death. You don't have much to think when you see yourself approaching death at over 90kmph, have around seven seconds to secure your life and the option to attack death even faster, leaving no scope for error. Just one moment to choose a life fearing death or a showdown with death.

There i was attacking death even faster. The speedometer kept ticking. It touched 100 kmph and it kept rolling. Finally at 109kmph,the battle with death was won. It feels great having seen death just a feet away and having captured it before it could blink its eyes. Apart from things that are evident, it now seems death will have a tough time before it decides to take on me again :) and i think i owe a thanks to the person who should have the entire credit for my eventful attack on death.

Pune Blues... :)

2008-10-25T23:45:00.001+05:30

One look. Thats just what it took to stop me on my track, open mouthed, dazzled, lost. All in blue she looked just amazing. No language i speak has words that could express her beauty, her charm, her elegance... and i bet even languages i don't speak wouldn't have words for them. It makes me look for words to write about her which is kinda strange after having written so much about others :) Its not that the quality of my english has depreciated, but its that desire to look at her pics every two minutes that hasn't left me with enough 'focus' to write.

For over two days now, i have been spending hours looking at her pics. For those who are still wondering who she is, shes the same Humanlike entity who happened to cause the last infection in me. She has actually been a lot more than that since then and it disgusts me to mention of her as infection. For that precise reason, and another reason unspecified, i decide to call her 'Pune Blues'. For i realise before its too late that probably i am in love... again!!! But this time its a lot serious. Serious enough to bring out the poet in me again, serious enough to get my dreams haunted again, serious enough to hate holidays, serious enough to make me say i am in love...

I finally heard her voice. Intoxicating, i guess, would be the most appropriate adjective for it. Four days and i still feel the intoxiaction. Soft, smooth, lively and elating. For days i had been admiring the beauty of her eyes. It was just three days back that i realised how beautiful she looks with eyes closed. Three days and i haven't been able to get that picture out of my mind as yet. Eyes closed with a gentle smile on her face, she looks just like an angel would, free from all worries of the world, enjoying a soft breeze that showers flowers on her; deriving happiness from the most modest existences in the world. I wish i could know her better every passing moment for when theres a lot at stake, each moment counts :)

I guess my state could be more aptly depicted by...

Waqt hai jaise ruk sa gaya

Ehasaas hai yeh kitna naya

Raat bhi hai jaise soya hua

Mera dil hai najaane kahaan khoya hua

Khila khila sa woh chehra tumhara

Kaash aaye laut ke woh shaam dubara

Kho jaoon phir tumhaari aankhon mein

Gum ho jaoon phir tumhaari baaton mein

Woh hawa ke jhonke pe palken jhapkana

Woh masoomiyat bhara tera muskurana

Kaash laut ke aaye phir se woh raat

Kaash keh sakoon tumse dil ki baat

The moonlit night, the cloudy sky, her company and the romance...

2008-10-16T21:30:00.001+05:30

" I don't remember since when and i don't know how much. I don't know why i never said it and you won't believe how madly i wanted to. But that won't change the facts. Every time i saw you smile, every time i heard your voice,every time i looked into you eyes, everytime i held your hand, every time i took you in my arms, i knew what i felt and that feeling never went away. And it is that feeling that gives me the strength to say... i love you"

Those were my words. I couldn't believe i was saying these finally. After a wait of years and a guilt free conscience, i had finally managed to say those words to her (the same girl from my previous post :) ). There was a look of surprise on her face. She had never expected it. The unexpected event had left her out of words. My presence there and me looking into her eyes seemed to make her uncomfortable. In spite of the dimly lit room, she could feel my eyes looking into hers.I waked away from there. I placed myself on the couch in my moonlit balcony. I felt the heart throbbing in my chest but the mind felt light.

She stood there in the almost dark room, standing where she had when i had spoken those words. She was thinking.I knew it and no matter how much i wanted to make her comfortable, i knew i would be unable to do it. I continued lying on the couch looking away at the distant lights. The clouds had swallowed the moon, leaving the balcony dark. I could hear my heart beating. I continued staring at the distant lights without a thought in the mind. Silence was surely the most torturing entity when you needed reaction and it was torturing me every moment.

I heard some movement behind me. I turned to find her standing on the doorway looking at me. I looked back at her. It was too dark to make out where her eyes were looking. I continued to look back at her for some time. She stood there motionless. I got up and walked up to her. I could make out her eyes looking into mine. I stood there looking into her eyes. No expressions featured on my face. She looked nervous. I reached out for her left hand. It did not move. It continued to be in its lifeles state. I held onto her hand for some moments looking into her eyes, searching for some expression on her face. But there were none.

I don't know what gave me the guts, but, i moved my head towards her. She closed her eyes. I planted a soft kiss on her head. I let her hand go and wrapped my arms around her. Her head rested on my chest, her body as motionless as it could be.I kissed her head a few more times. I didn't care if she liked my hands around her. I didn't care if she liked me kissing her. All i knew was her heart was beating hard and i knew she could feel my heart beating just as hard if not harder.

As unexpected as it was, i felt her arms around me. I wanted to look into her eyes, i wanted to see the expression on her face but it wasn't worth the moment. I tightened my arms around her a bit and planted another long kiss on her head. No thoughts in the mind, no worries in the heart, we stood there for what seemed like a million timeless moments. As we broke apart from the embrace of life, the moon freed itself from the dark shackles of the clouds. The silver rays lit her eyes. A nervous smile adorned her face. There had never been something as soothing as that smile. I smiled back. I lowered my head again and kissed her right cheek, and then the left. I threw my arms around her again and she held me tight.

None of us spoke for what seemed another million timeless moments. We lay there on the couch bathing in the moonlight, my arms around her. "Ab naa jaa..." by Euphoria played in the background. I tightened my arms around her a bit. She turned and kissed my left cheek. It felt so great. I hadn't expected it but now that it had come, i couldn't wish for anything better. We lay there in each other's arms, looking at the shimmering lights at the horizion, wishing the night were as endless as my love had been all these years... wishing her arms never let me free... wishing the moment never died...

A figment of my imagination or a shortlived dream that might never come true. No matter what you call it, i don't know if it would ever come true. But whatever it is, it seems to have multiplied my love a million times overnight. I wish i could have had the guts to say ...

Pyaar ki yeh raat hai,

Ab na jaa,

Choti si ek baat hai,

Ab na jaa,

Pal do pal ka saath hai,

Ab na jaa,

Jaadu si yeh raat hai,

Ab na jaa...

But that didn't happen and i don't know how long that would haunt me. It was today that i wrote something that could be treated as in identity of life...

He who hath loved, shall see the beauty of it.

He who is human, shall experience the pain it can bring.

Theres no denying the beauty of love. Theres no denying the new world love makes you see. Theres no denying the joy it instills in you. And theres also no denying the fact that we are humans and its the same humanly desires that makes love so painful. The feeling of love needs no embellishments. A feeling that instills happiness so immense that it leaves no room for sorrow. It makes you see dreams you never realised you could have. It opens that window that shows you how beautiful the world is. Love is this and love is that... its everything that makes you happy and its everything that keeps you happy. Why then is the beauty of love abrased by the inhumanely humane desire of possessing what we love. Why do we get sad when we can't have what we love to ourselves? Lack of possession doesn't change the thing we love. It won't change the way she smiles, it won't change the way she speaks, it won't change the way she is... Why then being away from her leaves me sad ? Why does it matter now that probably i can't have as much of her as i want ? Why does it hurt now when she would not be what i expect her to be ? Why do i have to be humane now when being humane is to bring more sorrow ? Why did i not say to her all that i want to say now? Why didn't i tell her that... i loved her.

An untold tale of endless love...

2008-10-14T00:22:00.000+05:30

The scene : My balcony on the 11th floor of my building, situated over a small hill, overlooking shimmering lights for miles. The open roof, the almost full moon, showering its silver light on me, and soft romantic music playing.

The perfect setting for a romantic soul like mine. Its strange that all this doesn't arouse in me the desire for the comapny of my new love interest or my old(thats obvious now!!!). Rather it fills in me the deisre of the company of another person, someone i have been in love with long enough to forget how long it was. Yes, finally i admit it. I have been in love with someone, since when - i can't remember. Someone i was in love with before i fell in love with my ex-gf, someone i loved when she had a crush on someone else, someone i loved when i was going around with someone else,someone i loved when she had a crush on me, someone i have always loved without ever speaking of it.

What do i write about her? She has been that part of life which i had knowingly tried to keep away, lest i get carried away by the intensity of my feelings. Simple, naughty, talkative are some of her attributes but the most distinct characteristics of her that makes her stand away from the rest happens to be her anger. You may better stay away from her when shes angry coz shes tends to be more destructive than a volcano. I don't know why but Devdas reminds me of her, every time. Probably because of the relationship i share with her, probably because of the unspoken yet existent love.

She was the first person who came into my mind when i watched the reunion scene between Kim Sharma and Jugal Hansraj in movie Mohabbatein. Separated from her for years, i had always dreamt of meeting her some day. The dream came true, and along came dreams so new. Some fulfilled some not. Reasons forced me to build a wall between her and me, the wall i never saw but always realised. Maybe she never realised my feelings, love camouflaged itself as friendship and the wall always grew higher. The wall across which i could always see and only see. It didn't matter how i felt about it,but my feelings never died.

If feels foolish to actually admit it now, especially when i have known it for years. It was just that i was too closed for it. Maybe the realisation came too late to be expressed and now that i want to express it, it frightens me if i really want to do it. When i had finally gathered the guts to express them, there came more enlightenments. Probably theres someone else in her life. Probably i am not gonna be lucky in love even this time around. Probably my idea of having kept myself away from her would had been right. I wish i wudn't had thought of crossing the line i had drawn between me and her.

After many days again the heart cried. You can't have eveything you want the way you want and that holds true for me. Shes happy in her life without knowing my feelings, maybe she would be better off without knowing my feelings. Maybe i will still prefer being on the other side of the wall rather than being on the same side. But i just wish i had one chance to tell her how much i loved her.

The return of the Love Bug :)

2008-10-13T10:52:00.000+05:30

Life should had been normal again... past should had been forgotten by now... a new aim should had been decided... i should had been happy again... these are some of the things that should had happened in a perfect world. But my world, just like me, is not perfect... how else do i explain all that happened??? Nothing is perfect... but why is the perfection of some things more relevant to those of others? Who do some things hurt more than others? Who do some people matter more than others? Why do the mistakes of some people never appear wrong when things we do and know are right appear wrong? Why is it always so difficult to forget things which we want to forget?

I still don't believe i am writing again. Not that i had decided no to but i never imagined i would write again. I had resisted the temptation to write for a long time but sometimes one needs to spill out emotions and this is the only place i could think of. The journey of life all these days hasn't been smooth and i think i'll be better off keeping them away. So with what my blog was always meant to be, i take the journey of my numerous involvement with the intricacies of what Mr. Lovebug has been kind enough to bestow upon me to newer heights.

The infection (i hope inspite of the long divergence, it still strikes a chord ;) ) this time was slow and steady. I realised i was a human and my love interest should also be Humanlike. And behold, what a Humanlike entity to fall in love with. Words praising her would betray what the heart feels for her - that is the charm she exudes. Lips that think before gliding into that smile which haunts the mind for hours, eyes so innocent even a smile makes them nervous, an expression so appealing that it takes more than sheer will to look away. A voice so soft the i haven't heard it yet ;) . These are just a few of her lineaments.

I still wait for the day i will hear her voice. Looking into her eyes a few times still hasn't given me the guts to say even a 'hi'. I guess this is the first girl who has forced me to question my guts. But what do you make out of eyes that don't speak. No matter what my new company has to offer professionally, it atleast offers enough variety to keep me motivated :)

Nothing comes without a challenge and what opposition this time. The bugle has been blown and its me and the ever-famous packetman battling it out for what a cap-clad tribal from some far flung corner of Pune(which he calls new Pune, JACKASS :P) has his eyes upon. Which way the table turns remains to be seen and heres what my only competitor packetman (seriously did that Jackass tribal think he had a chance???) had to say to me....aaj mere paas packets hain,experience hai,information hai, introduction hai, transition plan hai...tumhaare paas kya hai ??? And i said... mere paas MAA hai ..Motivation And Attraction :)

All hail - Love bug's favourite piece of code. May victory be yours!!!

Bhulaoon kaise....

2008-08-03T01:45:00.000+05:30

Bhulaoon kaise teri un baaton ko
Bhulaoon kaise teri saath beeti un raaton ko
Tujhe bhool bhi jaoon agar
Teri yadoon ko bhulaoon kaise

Bhulaoon kaise tere woh vaade
Bhulaoon kaise tere woh iraade
Apnon ko bhool bhi jaoon agar
Un sapnon ko bhulaoon kaise

Bhulaoon kaise woh pehli mulaqat
Bhulaoon kaise woh pyaar ki har baat
Teri kurbat bhool bhi jaoon agar
Tere saath ko bhulaoon kaise

Bhulaoon kaise tera muskurana
Bhulaoon kaise yeh dastaan purana
Khwabon ko bhool bhi jaoon agar
Haqeeqat ko bhulaoon kaise

Bhulaoon kaise woh ladhna jhagadna
Bhulaoon kaise woh tujhe gudgudana
Tera ruthna bhool bhi jaoon agar
Tera bachpana bhulaoon kaise

Bhulaoon kaise tere honton ki narmi
Bhulaoon kaise tere saanson ki garmi
Tera kya hoon ab bhool bhi jaaon agar
Tujhse judaa hoon yeh bhulaoon kaise

Biased freedom....

2008-07-20T20:31:00.000+05:30

Friday,18th July. Everything was finally over. I was sure there would be no more change in anything. I was finally free because i had closed the only door through which she could return. I wanted to celebrate my freedom. I wanted to feel really free. Doing what i had never done while i was with her. It no more mattered if what i was doing was right. All i wanted to do was enjoy my freedom. I wanted to realise that i was free now... to do anything i wanted... i wanted to realise i did not want to care about anyone else. And i found probably the best way to do it. A trip to Enigma - the discotheque of J. W. Marriot, Mumbai.

So there i was... with my new found freedom... at the doors of the most happening place... and it didn't end there. I had a date!!! First step into the place and i knew this would be fun. A lot of boobs, a lot of cleavages, shortest of skirts, scantiest of clothing... a lot of skin show... just about everything a single bachelor could desire. It was the greatest bare skin fest i had ever seen.The clothing was a lot analogous to vegetation cover in a desert... rare!!! The clock struck midnight and things became more happening. There were couples smooching everywhere... in the dark corners you could find people making out... no one cared about anything!!! The dance floor was packed and there were more people filling in. I suddenly found myself surrounded by a group of four girls who didn't mind rubbing their body against mine. I felt awkward but the only thing on my mind was ... i was free and i wanted to feel it.

Everyone was drunk. My parents never had a problem with me drinking. The never wanted me to drink but they were never closed to the idea. The only person who never wanted to drink was my 'idiot'. I picked up the glass. I was going to finally enjoy me freedom. The glass touched my lips and... i stopped. I don't know why i did not do it. I remembered the time when i had promised 'idiot' i won't drink. And the next thing i remember... i slammed down the glass on the table. I don't know why my i still thought of it... i don't know why it came to my mind then... i don't know why it still mattered to me. With drinking out of question, the only option to exploit my freedom was...!!!

My date was drunk. She had been rubbing her body against mine all the time at the dance floor. I felt awkward. I wasn't comfortable but i wanted it to continue. She suddenly sat on my lap...pulled me towards her and tried kissing me. I did not resist. I could feel her breath. I closed my eyes and... i saw 'idiot'. I pushed her away and walked out into the open. I didn't know why her thoughts still haunted me. I decided to put out her thoughts again. I was dancing again. My date held put my hands onto different parts of her body. I did not stop her. I was numb. I did not move my hands. I did not feel anything. I did not pull away my hands but i did not feel anything about them. There were other thoughts in my mind.Thoughts of 'idiot' never left me. I was forcing myself to do things of which i had never thought of. I did not dance anymore. I sat at one cornet trying to block out her thoughts. I wasn't able to force myself to do anything when i wanted to force myself to do it. I sat there for an hour trying to force myself again!!!

We reached home finally. My date was there too. I knew it was my last chance to step into a free new life. I wanted to break all old barriers. I again made up my mind. This time more confident... with more determination. I stood there. My date put my hands on her waist. I did not move them. She pulled me towards her. Her face approached mine. I stood still. I felt her breath again. Our lips touched. My lips were still. My eyes were closed. I felt her tongue on my lips. "How will i tell this to 'idiot' ? " I opened my eyes with this thought. I moved away from her, said sorry and went to sleep.

I did not sleep all night. I did not know what was wrong. I was free but still i couldn't do what i wanted. Maybe i didn't do it because i was never like that. But why did i think about 'idiot' everytime? Why did i care about telling it to her knowing that she might never again talk to me? Why wasn't i strong enough to forve her out of my mind? Why wasn't my anger not enough ? A lot of unanswered questions again. I realised my freedom is not what i desired. I always had my freedom just that i never misutilised it. I realised no matter what i'll always stay committed. She left me for her freedom. She did not leave me free...

Heart's words unveiled....

2008-07-15T20:18:00.000+05:30

Talks again but yet no success. Our talks appear to be analogous to the N-deal or to the Indo-Pak talks. Only talks and no results. I don't know what made her talk to me again but it felt good. We joked as we used to... we laughed as we used to... but that 'used to' remains. She still wants to be single. She doesn't want to report to anything about what she does... she doesn't want to be among issues if she forgets anything... she wants to lead life as she wants it. But who wanted her to report... is it that she was nowhere responsible for all that happened.

I never said things and maybe that was what mattered. Maybe i kept my heart's deepest feelings somewhere deep within myself and that is what mattered. Maybe telling her everything would had been better. Maybe it would had been better if i wouldn't had cared to keep out serious talks out of our relationship. Maybe it would had been better if i wouldn't had cared just to keep her happy. But i never knew this is what it would had cost me.

She gave me tips for any of my further relationships. Its a pity she still believes i'll get into another with some other person.
Tip#1 Talk to your partner every morning. Take the initiative and make sire you make the first move.

Tip#2 Make your partner feel secure.

These tips are applicable for everyone. She gave me these tips coz she thought i did not know them.. i never followed them. I won't give excuses. I'll put forward my 'excuses' ... not actually... my feelings... and shes the one to decide. She can decide not to care for me but i won't let my love be insulted. The words 'i love you' mattered a lot to her. I will let her know why i stopped saying them everyday. I know she will some day read this. I'll no more ask her to come back. And i know she won't come back. I can challenge her on that. No matter whatever she feels shes too stubborn. But before i move out of her life forever i want her to know a few things...

Entries from my personal diary....not all but some that she should know

March 2,2008 - First weekend here. I don't feel good. I miss sipping juice from her glass... i miss eating her omelet...i miss the expression on her face when she finds her omelet eaten... i miss her. I don't know if it was right to have come here. How do i forget when i told her about the job. She thinks i heard only the 'Arey waah!!Congratulations' . She doesn't realise i felt the pain in her voice. I feel guilty hurting her but somehow its for our own good. Maybe two more years and we will be together forever. If only she would had asked me not to go...just once...i wouldn't had come.I feel lonely here. Without her. I love you idiot.

March 14,2008 - I wish idiot was here. Everything would had felt so much better with her. even with so many people here i feel lonely. The evening was good. Idiot needs to come here... i'll get her here soon. The beach... the candle light... the ring... I can't wait to see the expression on her face. Maybe i left bangalore for good. How else would i had even dreamt of all this. Maybe this days of loneliness are actually worth something. I wish she could come to pune too. I can do that but i want her to be alone for some time. She's too dependent to me. She needs to learn to be independent. What if i die tomorrow? She doesn't take her own decisions. She doesn't do things that would make her happy just because of me. She needs to enjoy her life alone. I may not be there with her always. Miss you idiot.

May 21,2008 - Another girl, another story. I don't know why i keep doing it. I know she feels insecure but i still do it. I want her to stop feeling insecure. Why couldn't she trust me blindly as i trust her. If only i could tell her how it affects me. If only she could trust me i could live my life without caring about making her feel insecure. I feel i am being selfish. Maybe this is because of the distance. I wouldn't had done this if she was with me. I wish i hadn't left bangalore. I don't know why i started blogging. Maybe it wasn't the right place for my imagination. Maybe my method of expressing my imagination was wrong. I'll make up for this somehow. I just wish she starts trusting me. I wish she stops feeling insecure.I don't know how much this will help specially when i am so far. I love you idiot.

March 25,2008 - One month away from idiot. This job isn't worth it. It hurt to hear her cry. I feel the same. I wanted to cry too. But i couldn't. Whos gonna support her if we both started crying. I want her to come to pune. But shes still not emotionally strong enough. Maybe one more month... I don't know what that would do to me. I want to go to bangalore but i have somehow stopped myself. She is finally spending time with her friends. Maybe she'll take her own decision soon to come here or not to. I just wish she gets off her addiction to me soon. I can't live without here. Life here is just survival. Theres no living. Love you motti.

April 6,2008 - I don't know why i reacted. She could always had forgotten about it. Maybe it was just because it was about that person. Yes, i am sure it was just because of that. How do i help it. She's the one who has set double standards about him. What do i do. I feel bad about it. I wanted to apologise but i don't know why i didn't. Maybe i am a MCP. I don't care about what she does. I never want her to come and tell me. But why is it that i reacted. I know i wouldn't had reacted if it was someone else. It was silly maybe i won't do it next time that i have realised i was wrong. I hope it doesn't affect her. I hope she doesn't start thinking about it.I am a fool. Sorry motti.... love you.

April 25,2008 - Another month. Things look better. I am not happy. I am still lonely. I now want to get her here. Its one month now since i decided to talk less to her. I try not to call her in the afternoon anymore. I feel like... everyday..but i stop myself. I know she feels i don't feel the same for her anymore. I know she thinks i no more loved her as i used to in our initial days. I like it when she calls and says she was checking if i miss her or not. If only i could tell her how much. I miss those days together. I am just waiting for her to come here. I don't know how she will react when she sees my room with all these pictures i have framed. Maybe that will tell her how much i missed her. She might also feel i did not miss her because of the pictures. Shes as mad as that.Idiot. Miss you a lot.

May 14,2008 - I don't know why i hid the pictures. I did not want her to realise how much i missed her. Maybe then she'll also miss me less. I don't want her to go back and think of it. She'll forget the days she spent but she'll not forget i had done this. I still don't have the money to buy the ring. Maybe it will have to wait till Goa. I am so excited about seeing her again. Holding her again. Being with her again. I wish these four days don't pass soon. I'll ask her to come to pune now. I know she can take her decisions now. I know she has become independent now. I know i am no more than what i wanted to be in her life now. I feel happy finally.I have succeeded in what i wanted to do. She is now what she should be... her own independent self.

Maybe thats enough. I didn't want to let her know these but now i have to. Till now it was about me... now it was about my love... it was about how much i care. Maybe they won't affect her now. Shes in a different world now. But someday she'll realise it was for her own good. If only she could tell me if she was happy telling everything before...if only she could tell me if she was not happy thinking about me before doing something...if only she could tell me she was not happy at the end of the with me there and she telling me everything about her day even when i never asked her for it. I don't know when she will read this. I don't know what she will feel when she reads this. I don't know when she will realise why i did it. I don't know if she will realise how much i have always loved her. I don't know if she will call me when she reads this. I don't know if she will feel anything when she reads this. I don't know if she'll decide to give me another chance when she reads this. I could had answered all these questions two months back but now i don't know.I don't know...

Surviving on flashbacks....

2008-07-14T10:08:00.000+05:30

I don't know where my life is heading. I have been been surviving the past few days on flashbacks... putting life to memories... preventing those memories from dying. I had been weighing various decisions for my future. Just when i had decided to let myself be engulfed in the unknown... the past came zooming into the present. I wonder why i watched the movie 'Jaane tu ya jaane naa'. Memories flooded my mind again. I again decided to ask her another last time. That isn't much like me but if she could have so many last times even i can have some. It was silly of me to have asked her again. I realised it later. I thought i knew her well. Not i don't feel so positive about it. Its either shes still being stubborn ( of this i am sure) or i don't know her as well as i thought i did.

Something in me tells me shes still indecisive. Thats typical of her. She might very well decide to think of the future... get confused among the available options and then decide to stop thinking. She might very well decide to live in the present without bothering about the future. I am sure shes doing it now. If only she could realise how its affecting others around her. But if she did realise it she wouldn't be what she is and its better to let her be what she is rather than me being happy.

I don't know if i would be able to go home again. I can't forget the look on my mother's face when i accepted that i was indeed depressed over what happened. I can't forget the look on her face when she found me alone in the roof shedding silent tears. I am sure i made her shed some too and i feel extremely bad about it. And it didn't end there. Imaging the expression on the face of a mother,who has big plans for her only son's marriage, when her son tells her he might never get married. I saw that expression on her face.She was shattered. Maybe seeing me dead wouldn't had got that expression on her face. I haven't slept since then. How was i to help it? To how many people do i show the same dream knowing that it might never get fulfilled. After all these years when almost my entire family had accepted her as a member of our family shes no more there. even if i forget the rest, how do i forget my eldest uncle who day in and day out asks me to marry her. I don't know what he would go through when he knows it all. I wouldn't had accepted those four years of happiness if i know this was in store for me.

I don't want to brood over what happened but i can't help it. There are so many things in my mind and no one whom i can tell them. The only person i ever cared to tell them to is no more there to listen to them. Maybe my decision to get lost in the unknown is the right one.But how then will i fulfill the only other dream left for me... to adopt two kids.. name the elder girl 'Tamanna' and the younger boy 'Aryan'. Yah, thats the only dream i saw with her that i can fulfill without her.

Proud to be a 'Pani' !!!!

2008-07-11T21:46:00.000+05:30

Long time again.Not that i did not want to write... i just wanted my idiot to stop visiting my blog. I somewhat know what shes going through... i dunno how right i am but i guess i am quite right about it. In these days of sorrow i suddenly feel happy and proud. Nothing i wasn't proud of but it just came into the spotlight today. Its my family's values. My family happens to be a quite reputed family of Orissa and i had been aware of it since the day i was born. The values that had been instilled in me by the family haven't diluted as yet and my mom reminded me that they aren't to be diluted whatsoever. Not that i didn't know of it but it did make me happy coming from my mother.

It was all about what has kept me engrossed for over a month now... splitting up with my idiot. My mother happens to know of it to a great extent. Not exactly but she does know a lot. I was tensed and so was she seeing me tensed. Things changed over my stay at home from getting married in the near future to no talks of marriage. She didn't talk much about it for the last few days and today, she hit the bull's eye.And she goes straight... "you plan to marry her?". I was awestruck. She never talked so frankly and here she was right on the target. I could just manage... " i haven't thought of it, but if i plan to shes the obvious choice".And what followed was another lecture... something i had always known... it felt good to know we came from the same school of thought...

"Did you make any commitments ", she asked.

"She knows shes the one i will marry".Thats all i could manage. I was nervous with my mom being so straightforward. Yes i had always been committed.

"If you have made commitments theres no thinking about it. There cannot be a second girl. If you don't sort out you matters and she doesn't want to marry you be ready to stay single for life. And if she does then you have to marry her anytime she wants. You want to marry her or you don't no more matters. You committed you have to stand up to it. It doesn't matter if you are happy with it or not, you have to keep her happy. Adjust as much as you have to but she needs to be happy. You have been wrong in your past... make sure it doesn't happen again. We won't let her marry you if you can't keep her happy. We don't care about her commitments. Whether she stands up to it or she doesn't isn't our concern. Our family's values don't allow us to step back from our commitments and you have to follow them.In case you don't then you better stay away from us and be ready to drop 'Pani' from your name."

"What if she doesn't want to marry me?"

"None of our business. She doesn't get married, she marries another person or whatever... thats none of our business. If she did make commitments then its up to her to stand up to it. Our family values teach us to keep our commitments and i am sure even her family would have taught her the same. Did you two sort out your problems? Did you start talking??"

"No"

"Who doesn't want to talk... you or she??"

"She"

"If its you better talk to her again. Properly. Apologise. Do whatever it takes. She should be happy.If she is not and you are the cause of her sadness better not come home again."

Whatttttttttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!

It felt good. I had always known this but it did feel good. Now i don't have to care about my mom forcing me to marry another girl. Now its got to be idiot or her memories. There won't be any other girl for sure.It feels proud to be a 'Pani'. I don't know how many mothers would prefer see their sons sad to seeing their sons keeping their commitments. All that remains to be seen is what she decided to do with her commitments and when.

Priceless memories...

2008-06-29T18:57:00.001+05:30

Long time again and a lot of events again but still the result is the same.A trip to Bangalore expecting to make things better but the result - an ad for Mastercard. Here it goes...

Bus ticket to Bangalore - Rs. 850

Hotel room at Bangalore - Rs. 2500

DDamas diamond ring - Rs. 14450

Presenting the ring to the girl you love, in the way you want - Priceless

There are somethings money can't buy. For everything else, theres Barclaycard. Not exactly. Loves makes you do everything. Your pocket no longer matters. There can be nothing more soothing than the arms of the person you love.After many sorrow filled days with a broken heart i experienced the first moments of happiness in weeks.I remember each moment of those shortlived days of happiness. I did what i had always dreamt of doing - proposing the girl in a way i had always wanted to...though not exactly but still. I will always remember that evening.My hotel room filled with red heart shaped balloons, only candles lighting up the room, the chocoalte cake, me dressed in a suit, getting on my knees, saying the lines which came straight from the heart, presenting the rose with the ring hidden in it, the expression on her face on seeing the ring... everyting. I will always remember everything. I don't feel bad about what the outcome was. I am just happy that i was able to do what i wanted to... and happy beacause i did it for the girl i love. The beach was missing but i think thats acceptable.

She wants to be alone and i no more try to make her come back to me. It was all a result of my mistakes. I now realise that i was too dominating. I now realise i never cared about what made her happy. I realise i was selfish to a great extent. But i realised it too late. I can't change the past and i don't have a chance to improve in future. I had finally decided not to talk to her again. I had decided to let her decide if she indeed wants to talk to me someday. This happened on thursday. And since then i have had the happiest days of my life in a long time. Just when i had started believing that i no more held a place in her life she made me believe i still occupy a significant portion in her heart. She gave me a reason to be happy. She gave me a reason to
live.

Thursday morning i told her i won't call her again. I kept down the phone sadly. I didn't think of it all day long. Suddenly in the evening my phone rang and her number flashed. I thought she had called to apologise for being rude. She screamed loudly into the phone. What did i do this time? Thats what came into my mind instantly. It took me a couple of seconds to realise that she was shouting coz she was scared. A lot scared.Her mother was angry at her coz of something and she was too scared to talk to her mother. I knew she wouldn't be able to talk to her mother about it.And this is what happened...

"let me talk to your mother", i said.

"What will you say?".

This told me how helpless she was feeling. A girl who had strictly asked me not to talk to anyone in her family, asking me what i'll talk.

"Don't worry i'll take care."

"How?", she demanded.

"Motti, you trust me ?", i asked.

"Yes", she said.

A drop of tear rolled down my left cheek. That was perhaps the first tear of happiness (khushi ke aansoon!!!) in my life. More than that 'yes', her voice spoke. She talked with the voice of a someone who could blindly trust me with her life. There couldn't be anything more soothing that the trust of someone whom you love and i had it.I could have lived my entire life with this happy memory but there was more in store.

I talked to her mom. I won't disclose the details of what i talked to anyone except her. Her mom was too angry she wasn't ready to listen to me. But somehow i was able to persuade her mom.I called back 'Idiot' (thats what i called and still call my gf) and told her to call back home and ring me back once done. It seemed a long wait and finally she called. Her mom had calmed down and it was only advices and no anger. Even 'Idiot' was calm not.It felt good to hear her again. She was no longer scared or tensed. And to make the moment light i started again...

"Zaroorat padne pe kaun kaam aaya",i said,"Idiot".

"Donkey",came her reply. That was the first time in so many days that she had called me that. Another drop of tear.

"I love you".

She was silent. I knew she wanted to reply.

"You can say it. I know you want to."I prompted her and then..she said it.

"I love you too"

I don't remember how many tears rolled down.

"Jhoot",i joked as usual.

"Sachi", she said. I knew she meant it this time. My tears weren't in a mood to stop.

Thats another happy memory i would always live with. Her mood changed again as usual. She again wanted to be single but i had something that would keep me happy. I left for home happy with these memories and one question for her.

"Don't you love me", i asked.

"I don't want to answer", she replied.

She hasn't answered yet and i am still waiting. I somehow feel its a yes and she doesn't want to say that. I am happy with assuming a yes. She told me not to expect a call from her but i still expect it. I told her i won't call her and this time i am determined to do it.If she indeed loves me she will someday call me.I still wait for her call, happy with those two memories and happy with the fact that she still wears the ring.I am happy my love was worth her trust. I am happy...and shes stubborn. I don't know if she will call.I just wish she does before...

Notice!!!

2008-06-24T12:40:00.000+05:30

Am not in a state to write anything. But this for the person who has been trying to break into my google account again. This is the third time and i am really pissed off. I don't mind sharing my password. If you need it please ask me and i shall happily provide it to you. The strange thing is that this has started happening over the last twenty days. Someone told me it was probably my girlfriend (ex) but i am sure its not she. But whoever it is, i am sure must be reading my blog. So please take my word and ask for it.

Killing myself softly....

2008-06-16T17:59:00.000+05:30

I am losing hope now. I tried a lot. But i think i have failed. I am not angry with her coz i know her so well. I know she reads this blog even now. But i won't hide my feelings anymore. I got her horoscope made. Our horoscopes matched so well. But she does not want to care about it anymore. I asked her a week's time. I no more thinks shes thinking of it seriously. I don't know how i can convince her now. She doesn't want to think of the positive side of it. She believes in horoscopes. I asked her to meet an astrologer. But i know she won't. She has left everything to GOD. For the first time in so many days i felt bad of her rudeness. It hurt me today. But i still don't mind it. She wants to remain friends. I know this rudeness will follow there.I am lost now. I don't know what to do. No one calls me 'donkey' anymore. No one calls me 'mottu seth'. I want her calling me those names but that no more happens.

I thought i was emotionally stable. But now i know i am not. I surrendered myself to sleeping pills. I could no more think. I did not want to. I sleep a lot now. And all the time i am not sleeping i think of how to convince her. I just wanted her to wait for some time. But i know she will not wait. I know things will get fine in some time but i don't have that time now. My blood pressure is too high but i don't care. I might get addicted to sleeping pills but i don't care. I want to talk to her but i won't call. I was happy for some time today after talking to her but i am no more. I thought i will not write all this but i don't care anymore. I know she will feel i am trying emotional blackmail but i don't care coz i know i am not. I now somehow don't want her to return. I don't know if i can be emotionally stable enough for her.

I don't know what i should feel. I don't know what to do. In ten days i have lost track of where my life is heading. I have typed my resignation. I am just waiting for the right time to submit it. I told her that by the time she realises it might be too late. But she doesn't want to listen. As i write this i am crying. Not coz she left me. I am crying because i am helpless. I miss her more now. I am not unstable that i'll resign my job if she leaves. Thats what she feels. I will resign to do what i always wanted to. It'll be the start of my philanthropical venture. There will be no life left for me anymore. No more of the life i had been leading till now. My horoscope that says so highly about me will no longer hold true. I asked her if i can come to Bangalore. She said the week is not yet over. I know she'll never want me to go there. But i will go. My horoscope says life risk if i undertake long journeys but i'll still go. I won't meet her but i'll go. I want to play with my life now. I have nothing to care about my life now. My family would feel bad if i die. But they will feel worse if i tell them what happened in my life. I cannot decide. I have taken another pill now. My second for the day. I cannot think what i should do. My life cannot be normal again without her and i don't want an abnormal life.

Broke up with life...romancing death!!!

2008-06-13T13:19:00.000+05:30

Its all over now. Me and my girlfriend have broken up. No thats not true actually. You don't breakup in love. There are times when you want to be lonely and i guess shes in one of those phases. I am not sure but whatever i am still committed to her. She feels she no more has any feelings for me, i don't feel that way. She feels she will never return, i don't feel that way. But whatever it is i am willing to wait for her. I have enough happy memories to last me a life long wait.

It all started around four and half years back. She was sweet. I liked her a lot. She was the first girl i asked out on a date. She was the first girl i flirted with. She was fun to be with. Within a period of one month of knowing each other we were into a relationship. A relationship in which none of us proposed. That happens to be the funniest part of it. The details are too personal and are only for the both of us. We were soon going around and spent a lot of time together. Fighting over petty things, laughing on each other, taunting each other... all those days were fun. But i guess those days are gone...for some days at least :(

It all started over a small thing. She wanted to stop eating non-veg food on three days a week and i got pissed off. It had something to do with her horoscope and i never believed in those stuff. It worsened over the next few days. I don't know why i don't believe them but i just don't. My horoscope says a lot too. It says i am some 'maanglik' , whatever that means. And that i should marry a 'maanglik' girl. Hell with it. I wouldn't have bothered about it before marrying her. But i guess i was wrong. She has her own life too. She should be let to do whatever she wants. I accept my mistake but its too late now. Maybe being 'maanglik' means you don't get what you want in life or whatever...

She feels we are different. We don't think alike. But thats what is good. Whats the fun if there is no contrast between the people in the relationship. If you are the same, you better be brother and sister. She doesn't think so and i am at a disadvantage even there. I can't do anything about it either. I guess i have to lead my life on my own waiting for her. She'll be happy without me or so she says. She has found better friends. She no longer feels anything for me. Theres a smile when i write this but i feel pain in my heart. I had never imagined this happening. She asked me not to call up her home again. I will miss talking to her sister and her mother. I asked her not to talk to my parents too. I did not want them to harbour hopes that would never get fulfilled. The engagement ring my mother had for her will always remain with my mother.

I did a lot of things she did not like. I knew what she did not like. I wanted her to say that she did not like it. I knew she did not like me talking about different girls. I knew she didn't like being called a stepney but i kept doing that. I just wanted her to speak it out. I did not want her to be a silent receptor of everything. And now when she actually decided to speak, its too late. I always wanted her to take her decisions herself. I never knew she would take this decision. She wants to continue as friends. I said no. Not because i didn't want it. I would had loved it. But she wouldn't had liked to talk to me anymore then too... knowing i still had feelings for her. I cannot get those feelings out. Maybe then if she was doing something wrong and i said something, she would again feel i was interfering. I know shes instinctive, she doesn't think of it now. She feels everything will be fine as she sees it, but i know what its gonna be like. I know shes doing things i would had never liked. She thinks she can do them now coz i am no more in her life. She does not think how her parents would feel about knowing what she is doing. Maybe what seems a rose bed now will be a crown of thorns later. She doesn't want to think of it.

I think why i left Bangalore. I know it was the job. But what beyond that ?? I wanted to get settled early so that i could marry her sooner. Maybe thinking this is also something bad. Shes confused about her life. I know shes too instinctive and thats why i am willing to wait. She lost all feelings when i let slip out of my mouth that i had screwed one of my campus interviews coz she did not qualify for it. She felt that i kept an account of what i had done for her. I had never cared to think about it. I was just conscious about it coz no one knew about it. I couldn't had faced my parents saying the fact. But how can you expect a person to speak everything cautiously when he hasn't slept for five days. Maybe she was too angry about it to think about the state of my mind. But i can't change the past. I never cared about what i was doing for her. And even now thinking that she no longer loves me i don't care to think about it. I am happy loving her and doing everything that makes her happy but maybe she doesn't understand. Maybe she feels sometime down the line i'll think of it. But i know i won't. I never even thought of it. I thought she understood me somewhat but now i know i was wrong. And now when i want to correct it, it can't be corrected. She feels i don't know her. I know what she is thinking. I know how her mind works. Ask her everything thats written in this post and she'll agree to everything. I know whats going on in her mind. Just if she could realise how good it would had been to spend your life with someone who know you so well.

Every person is allowed one mistake in his life. Why can't this be that mistake. I never cared about what i was doing. I never cared to think about what i had done about her. I don't even remember anything even now if i try to think. I never took it as doing something for her. It came to be instantly. But how do i convince her. I assured her everything would be the same as before but she wasn't willing to believe it. She no longer wants to meet me. If only i could have a look at her one last time i could die happy whenever i did. She talks to me rudely but i don't mind it. She was never that way. Maybe i made her rude or she is not herself now. Without her my life is gonna get ruined anyway. At least her life won't be. Maybe given a chance, both of our lives would had been happy. I cried on the phone. Cried a lot. My throat started bleeding. It still bleeds every time i cry. But now theres no one to listen to me crying. No one to console me. I wish she just gave me one more chance...truly. I won't call her anymore...or so i have decided again. Not because i don't want to talk to her but because she doesn't want to. I asked her for two days of her life. She hasn't replied but i am sure i won't get them. I wish i would had spared those two days from the four years we spent together.

I have lost all desire to live long. I have stopped doing things that made me happy. Eating is no more a hobby. The occasional times i eat is only a means for survival now. I sleep now. Three to four hours a day. Waking up frequently on a bad dream. I no longer take medicines to control my blood pressure. I will be happy dying at 30-40 now without her. Yah i am still writing my blog because i need to say this to someone and i don't want to know whom i am telling this to. I don't want her to know all this. She won't read this coz she would never remember the link and even if she did she will never try reading this. She hates me enough already and i don't want her to hate me more. She said she will give me a thought for a week but i am not sure about it. Shes too irritated on me to even think of me. So that leaves me alone waiting for her to return someday coz thats what is destined to be. But thats doesn't stop me from loving her the way i used to. I told her i have accepted that shes not returning to me anymore. But thats a lie. I did not want her to care about me anymore. I did not want her to think of me. I know she feels time will heal everything. But i know she is wrong. Time won't heal this. Time will just worsen it and i am ready to face everything that comes. Nothing can be worse than a life without her. I don't want it to get better either. I want to live with the pain until... she decides to come back.

I am a dog!!!

2008-06-09T11:57:00.000+05:30

I am a dog. One of those, who , no matter how many times you turn out of your house,keep returning. After fours days of discussion over the breaking(or rather already broken) relationship and after as many hours on the phone, i am still in that relationship. Even after knowing that she is (was, whatever!!!) no more interested and shes not sure if she wants me to be a part of her life or not, i somehow pressed on and resulted in the relationship continuing. I am not sure if this was right or not but i just wasn't imagine my life without her.

I heard her say she wants to be alone. I was ready for the pain and i felt the pain. I don't know why i was so hesitant to accept it. I don't know why, knowing that fact that it can happen again...anytime. Maybe those few more days of happiness(???) was what i felt i needed. I heard of all the problems she had. I accept everything where i erred. But that was not a large part of it. It all seems trivial now. Everything changed so drastically in the last 15 days. I am ready to believe now..whether true of false. I am ready to believe whatever she says. It won't be easy but i can do that. I had trusted her blindly all there four years and i can do that now.

I realised, no pain is greater than the pain of a broken heart. The chilled jets of water from the shower no more hurt today. Or so i thought. I enjoyed the pain. Of the cold water and the pang of the broken heart. I don't know what more am i to lose. I lost something that i was my proudest possession- my self-respect. I never thought that it could happen ever. But it did. It amuses me how things can change. From the talk of getting married to the talks of separating, and in just 15 days. I miss her more than i used to. I keep on looking at her pics for hours. I just can't believe how it changed.

Nothing is the same now. She said it won't be too. Every time i receive a SMS i think its her and its happening again. Every time its the time she used to call i wait...but theres no call. I wait for the reply of my scrap and it never comes. I can't change that. I am living with a favour. The favour she decided to bestow upon me...to continue. But that was just because she cared and maybe she wanted it too. I think i am over-reacting to everything. Probably it will be better(as it happened the last time), maybe it won't get better. But i am ready to risk, coz i am a dog.

Another wall

2008-06-05T16:51:00.000+05:30

Finally, after almost a month, i am back to writing again. Strange it was to find so many people read my blog ( or rather, so many people laugh at me). But i don't mind. In this long period of time i shifted over to a new flat, spent a lot of money, made Mr. Hacksawer believe i am learning something... but sadly didn't fall in love again all this time!!!

All these days i have been thinking absurd things. I have spent my time thinking stuff like..

Why the movie Boom wasn't called Boob(s) ?
Why is the Ganga(or any water body for that matter) considered pure when fishes fuck in it ?
What did Amitabh want to know when he asks ...'tumhare paas kya hai bhai' ?? ( Dude,Indian police ki naukri hai aur kya chaiye???)
.....
.....
and finally the blockbuster....What is my company paying me for ????

Mr. Hacksawer has been a nuisance as always. Hes been making unsuccessful attempts to show me down with his surprise questioning sessions and his obnoxious grin which has a smashing similarity with the nike symbol. But i guess he should realise whoz he messing with. Hes failed at all attempts and i guess has been planning more attacks after the futile past efforts.

I have no idea what i am doing with my life. Theres nothing constructive that i have done all these days. Now i am sure i'll not die a virgin. Life will fuck me or either way!!! And with Mr. Hacksawer around, my chances of fucking life seem dim. I am sure when he reaches hell (i am sure he won't reach heaven), Yamraj would let him VNC into my blog and let him know what kind of a creature he was.

Strange is the kind of incidents that have dotted my life since the time i can remember. For example, being dumped (sorry, breaking up) by the same girl twice coz she wanted to be alone(both the times!!!). I am not sad anymore...i am angry. I will kill her in a week and then kill myself too.... noz because i can't live without her....because i can't live with the guilt of killing her.

Bugged up!!!

2008-05-06T00:38:00.001+05:30

I am bugged up again. No, not Mr. Love Bug this time :( . Its the dance. Its getting out of hand now. Not the dance actually... but a few samples of that category of gals who also happen to be a part of the group. No words can have the honour to sing the praise of that category of gals. These gals happen to believe that they are the only persons on earth who can do everything the way it should be done... absolutely everything on earth. No specimen of the male race can ever wander anywhere near to the way anything should be done. So if you have a dick, please keep your suggestions to yourself.

These gals happen to be fine-tuning our dance moves and implementing the use of props . Thanks to their peanut-sized brains that haven't grown since second standard, our dance now resembles the annual function performance of primary school children.They seem to be more confused than Mr. Hacksawer. They intend to portray the difference between the masculine and feminine forms by using masculine forms to portray the feminine forms. I guess even you got confused reading this. And to add to the woes, these samples aren't all the trouble. We have our 'creative director'...sorry our 'copy director' too. Our 'copy director's' suggestions are considered. I don't know if thats an exception to the theory in the first paragraph or.... In any case, we are trying to be creative. And the creative part is being handled by samples who have cataracts on their creative eyes.

We are incorporating steps from some Latin dance form... some steps have a striking resemblance to what i learnt during my brief(3 days) stint at aerobics... and the rest i guess i'll see my children performing at school. With the exception of these we aren't doing anything.... its just they who are doing everything. Its getting really irritating now and the bitter fruit of it had to be borne by Deepak who had to sit through my pathetic jokes which i kept saying just to control my temper. And finally it got so infuriating that i had to leave lest i vent out my anger.

That sadly again wasn't the end of my problems. On my way back home, the driver's phone rang... and his ringtone was the same at the song on which we are dancing. I could go on and on but sleep decides to prevail so i take leave for my coffin for the night.

Nostalgia creeps in... drags in sadness!!!

2008-05-03T19:58:00.000+05:30

For four years now, this part of the year has brought nostalgia and sadness with itself. By this part of the year i mean a few days starting from the 3rd of May. Tomorrow is someone's birthday. This someone has been introduced in earlier post as the person who somewhat understood me. Maybe she was the only person then who understood me and maybe shes still the only person who has ever understood me the most. Shes no more a part of my life. Why??? Read on to know. This ones gonna be long and serious. If you are looking for fun, better move on.

Her name is Monalisa. She joined my school somewhere in the middle of class nine. We became good friends. She was sweet...innocent and... funny. I remember a class of english being held in the open. As always the class got boring. And what she decided to do was pluck blades of grass and put them into her water bottle. I don't know if she actually drank that water later. But she made a funny picture indeed. She was christened 'Kunal Singh' by me. Wondering who he is??? Hes the guy from the movie 'dil hi dil mein'. She had hair like him. I loved messing and playing with her hair. Those were perhaps the only days of my school days that i cherish... thanks to my somewhat reserved nature at school.

For over one year i spent a lot of good times with her and other friends... Maria, Deepti, Shweta, Meenakshi, Anuja, Ipshita. But school had to end someday and it did. With the board exams over, i lost all contact with all of them. I had no news about any of them. I never expected to meet M again. But i guess destiny was favourable and one day enroute to one of the tuition classes,i suddenly saw her on road. She was with a few friends whom i didn't know. I still remember the expression on her face when she saw me...the way she exclaimed. I moved on though... i was shy to talk to her in front of the other gals. But lucky me... as i entered the class, there she was!!! And my good luck didn't end there. She got admission in the same college where i got admission... same class too.

We came closer. I didn't meet her often. Thanks to bunking classes and cricket. No i wish i hadn't bunked classes. I was the last to bunk a class in my group of friends(or rather acquaintances). Thanks to my reserved nature at school i hadn't been close enough to the guys from my school to actually refer them as friends. This gradually changed...not completely though. But gradually we did come closer. I liked spending time with her because she was the one i had the best relationship from school. I liked her because she was caring. Caring enough to spend some time with me when i was upset. None of my acquaintances cared to do so though.And she knew when i was upset. I don't know how she knew it but she always did. I gradually became emotionally dependent on her. I liked spending time with her and she always had time for me. I fought with my friends who spoke ill about her. I cared a lot about her. There was this gal in our class on whom i had a crush. I never cared to talk to her. And someday she happened to say something ill about M. She dared not come across me next time in college again. All crush dissolved.... no one insults M. She was perhaps the first gal i ever passed comments on.

I somehow managed to get to her and talk to her every day. And then hell broke loose. From the small narrow minded town i hail from, people don't like boys talking to girls. And if a boy talks a lot to a girl, hes after her. Not just that... there were a few creatures in college who didn't like me talking to her. She was good looking and had a lot of people vying for her. I remember she had a cousin too who didn't like me talking to her. And with me coming up to her to talk, rumors were flying... i was trying out my luck with her. Well thats the language they used. Everyone thought that. No one understood my emotional dependence on her. And these rumors hit her ears too. And there she was doubting my intentions. It hurt... hurt very badly. But wasn't anything when compared to the good times i had spent with her. College was approaching end and her dad got transferred to another town. She moved. I didn't see for a few weeks. Board exams kept me busy. And all this time the distance between us kept increasing. Maybe she believed in the rumors. Maybe she believed i was using our friendship for wrong reasons. The board exams and entrances got over. I didn't see her for around two months before i met her. I was visiting my uncle at the same town where she had moved. I went up to her to talk to her and she didn't want to talk to me. I remember her words...'mujhe tujhse baat karne ka icha nahi hai' .

That was the last time i saw her... the last time i heard her voice. Did she believe the rumors? Why didn't she want to talk to me? She left all my questions unanswered. Maybe i would never meet her again. But this day would haunt me all my life. I don't think i would ever find anyone else like her. I now realise i did love her. But i never thought of her in any other way as a friend. Maybe shes the reason why i told 'her' i was in love with 'her'... before i became 'her' friend. I wish M reads this someday and realises what i felt for her. But till then that rare drop of tear will still flood my eyes and her memories will still fill my mind. And all i can do about it is wish her :

Happy Birthday Mona

I miss you :(

Bitten, infected and... assaulted!!!

2008-05-02T09:40:00.000+05:30

Since childhood(class one to be precise), i have been the softest target of Mr. Love Bug to spread the most fatal epidemic in the history of mankind - love. I have had regular recurrences of the disease called love and the period between consecutive infections have varied from a few seconds to a few months (extremely rarely!!!). No matter how frequently i had been infected, Mr. Love Bug had been kind enough(not actually) to infect me with just one variant of the disease... until... a few days back. Yup, i have been infected again and this time before i recovered from my previous infection. So its official now that i am in love...AGAIN!!! When i told this to my dearest sister her reaction was... NOT AGAIN!!!!!!!!! But who cares about reactions when you are in love ;)

This time when Mr. Love Bug decided to infect me again, it was much different from the last time. There weren't many antigens like last time but there was something...something indeed. I was assaulted ... my heart was pierced by bullets from AK-47. The wounds seem to be taking their own time to heal and it i wish they take even longer. The only drawback of this second infection is the overtime i need to put in. I am not ready to compromise on the quality of my effort and this has forced me to put in a lot of extra effort... hoping for long term gains. And going by the trend the Indian market, i can't foresee where my fortunes at love are heading. So has been the work load that i have been forced to use "Pre-emptive scheduling" to manage my efforts. For all those who have been wondering what my status at Google talk ... "Pre-emptive scheduling rocks!!" ... meant, heres the code to decode the significance of my status message. Folks who aren't familiar with the term, heres what Wikipedia has to say :

Pre-emptive multitasking involves the use of an interrupt mechanism which suspends the currently executing process and invokes a scheduler to determine which process should execute next. Therefore all processes will get some amount of CPU time at any given time.

I guess thats more that enough to interpret what i mean.

I had been so busy with stuff that i didn't realise i had starting writing this post three days back. And now that i have realised it, i even realised what had been keeping me busy. Its 'she' (not actually....i am not sure!!!) , the bullets and dance. Yup, i am dancing again. I no more dance as good as i used to... thanks to the extra layer of adipose that has grown on me... but yes i am dancing. Why?? A lot of reasons. Lets forget the reasons and talk about the dance . So here we have 12(13 actually) people( 6 guys, 6 gals and another person) dancing (or rather...trying to dance). This another person calls himself the 'creative director'. I bet he should call himself the 'copy director'. We aren't doing anything creative. We are copying(???). I'll tell you the significance of the question marks later. We are copying the dance moves from some random dance performance. Man i can choreograph....in spite of that extra layer... and i bet i can do better than that. The say 'good artists copy, great artist steal'. I am not sure if we are 'good artists' or 'great artists'. But i am sure we are surely one of these. I hope you now understand the relevance of the question marks next to "copying". I still enjoy almost everything about the dance sessions... everything except the dance ;)

To summarize, i have a double infection, have been struck by bullets, am trying to dance and how can i forget... working with Mr. Hacksawer...again!!! Updates on him in some later posts. Till then ,

For 'her' :

Nayan tere...jhuke jhuke,
Hont tere... ruke ruke,
Dil mein pehli baar
Jaaga iska pyaar
Kuch to bataa humse

For the new 'her' :

Chand se parda kijiye
Kahin chura na le chehre ka noor
Ae mere hum nawaab
Ae mere huzoor

Told you... extra effort :)

Stunned, mesmerised and killed....!!!

2008-04-24T12:10:00.000+05:30

No amount of effort seems to efficient enough to keep me from thinking of 'her'. Theres literally nothing i haven't tried to shut out 'her' thoughts from my mind but either i am too weak at occlumency( harry potter fans would know!!) or 'her' thoughts are too good at legilimency (inspired from HP again!!). For a week... huh!just a week :( ... i had done very well to stay away from 'her'. A very few glances at 'her' , a lot of effort to avoid being near 'her' and a lot of things. But how am i supposed to stop myself from thinking of 'her'... how do i stop myself from opening 'her' pics every time i start my laptop... how???

It seems the past wasn't enough so now even the present has decided to be cruel to me. A well tried week of avoiding 'her' came to an end today. And what an end... If this is how all my effort is to go in vain, i am ready to put in a lot more effort and let them go into the drain every single day. There can be no words to describe the magnificence of 'her' beauty. So crude and yet so potent. All adjectives to beauty...gorgeous,exquisite,picturesque,ravishing.... anything you can think of, would be an understatement to define 'her' beauty. So simple and yet so mesmerising. 'She' reminded me of that scene in Kuch Kuch Hota Hai when Anjali is leaving. If you thought Kajol looked sweet in that white dress, a look at 'her' would give you diabetes. Dressed in white and red, 'she' looked simply stunning. I now know how Shahrukh must have felt on seeing Sushmita in Main Hoon Na. I experienced the same too... just that i didn't sing. . 'She' got my heart on song though and its still singing.

For the first time in all the time i remember i wished to get married. Who would not want to??? Just a look at this Aphrodite is enough to rob you of all desires except to keep looking at 'her'. And with the attire 'she' wielded today, you need to be dead before you decide to look away from 'her'. Not praising 'her' beauty felt like doing injustice to the most beautiful thing on earth. After a lot of arguing with my mind, i finally punched in a message in praise of 'her', punched in 'her' number( i have deleted it from my phone but how do i delete it from my mind???) and just as i was to send it, i decided not to. Maybe my praise could rob me off more such beautiful days was all i could think. So i decided to be killed(literally) by 'her' beauty and my silence rather than not see more of her splendour.

And the romanticism continues...

2008-04-15T21:36:00.000+05:30

Two days since 'she' was moved to a new place in office and my sorrow seems to be somehow diminishing. And again as before, i don't know why. Maybe because other people have diverted my attention from 'her'...maybe because Mr. Hacksawer has been utilising(or rather mis-utilising) my time...lot of probable reasons but i don't know which one is true. It may rather be because 'she' has actually moved to 'her' new place.No i am not joking!!! Since 'she' has moved, there aren't any more looking aways... no more mask faces... no more depressing incidents. Once again my mind is filled with images of 'her' smiling face...once again 'her' voice tickles my ears... once again i feel like drowning in the mystery of 'her' eyes... once again i am relishing the beauty of love.

Things haven't turned out how i had expected them to. I had dreamt of a walk on the beach... on a moonlit night... the air filled with the sounds of the crashing waves and the breeze rustling the coconut leaves. I had dreamt of getting on my knees,bowing my head and telling 'her' those words... then looking up into 'her' eyes filled with surprise. I had dreamt of 'her' smiling back at me. I had dreamt of 'us' walking the rest of the distance...hand in hand...'her' head resting on my shoulder. And how can i forget the candle-lit dinner where i would had looked into 'her' eyes for as long as i would have wished.. and then slowly slid my hands onto 'her' soft hands and 'she' would had lipped a small romantic smile.

The dream is broken now. There wasn't any walk on the beach and no holding hands too. The dinner was there....but without the candle and with a lot more people. The candle didn't burn but my heart still burns. No more smiles from 'her'... no more looking into 'her' eyes. Life is again dragging me with itself...out of my beautiful world of dreams... into the world of harsh realities. Days pass by as glances at 'her' become scarce... wounds are drying at the surface but at the core, they are still vulnerable. It seems like destiny is still playing games with me as Radio Nimbooda plays :

Jiye to jiye kaise, bin aapke
Lagta nahi dil kahin,bin aapke
.......
.......
Darde judaai seh na sakoonga
Tere bina main reh na sakoonga
.......
.......

Well i won't actually die without 'her' but still life with 'her' would had been something i would had loved.

Back to business...DID???

2008-04-11T21:58:00.000+05:30

Post moved on pulic advice. I decide to moderate who views certain posts. Sorry but can't help.

In the rain...

2008-04-09T23:12:00.000+05:30

Lonely and sad i walk in the rain
Out of my eyes tears drain
My heart cries out in pain
Longing for something it cannot gain

Those days were great, days of great joy
Every moment of which i could enjoy
Life was nice, without any sorrow
Now i wish my sorrow someone could borrow

Now for the truth that i know
Life seems like a dark shadow
Spreading its darkness everywhere
Hiding me from anyone who would care

I don't think theres anything more that i need to say after the lines above. My sorrow seems to be growing and i still don't know why i am sad. I haven't had time to think about it. But i feel its all about 'her'. 'She' is driving me crazy again. I just can't control my desire to talk to 'her'. Every time i see 'her' my heart hurts. Every time i hear 'her' voice my heart cries. I look into 'her' eyes quite often now and each time i do so i feel an arrow piercing my heart. I don't see hatred anymore but i see abstinence. And believe me its a lot more painful.

Now even my mom keeps on inquiring about 'her'. Seems like shes planning for my marriage... that seems a lot unlikely for the next 3-4 years though( i am not thinking of it for another 8-10 yrs...any girl whos willing to wait can wait). I guess she thinks i am planning to marry 'her'. But sadly she doesn't know what i am going through. I think she feels i would someday start talking to 'her' and then we would be friends and maybe even someday think of marriage. I guess she likes 'her' from the pics... at least my dad does ;) !!! But whats the use... 'she' doesn't even look at me ...smile at me... talk to me. I just wish 'she' wouldn't had looked at me ever... smiled at me ever... talked to me ever... All this wouldn't had happened and i would still be happy enjoying the beauty of love from afar.

I know the blogs getting quite boring with the same stuff again and again but thats whats in my mind all the time. I can't get myself to think of anything else. If only 'she' would somehow read all this and maybe try to understand me. I have ways to get 'her' to read this but i don't want to do that. I somehow have started enjoying the beauty of pain too.

Time out !!!

2008-04-08T23:14:00.000+05:30

While going through my previous posts, i realised my blog is getting too gloomy. This was not how i had intended it to be. So inspite of my screwed life and dangling hopes, i decided to share a few fun filled moments writing this post. Let me begin with my phone. Ever since i got a connection (Airtel) at Pune, i had been trying to register for an online account. Earlier when i tried registering on the internet i got a message saying "unknown error". This later changed to "service not available". I called up the call centre and the customer care executive asked me to sms 'Register' to 121. Again i got an error message "request timed out". I call up the call centre executive again and guess what she said "Sir, khali airtel number se sms bhejenge to register hoga". What the hell will i be doing sending a sms to the airtel customer care number from some other network??? Even this wasn't the end. When i finally tried after around two weeks, i sms 'register' to 121 and heres the reply "your Airtel number is incorrect.Please contact our customer care at 121". Hail technology!!!

My tendency to fall in love with a different girl every single minute has indeed been very funny for quite a few people. So i think i should let everyone know that the first time i said those three words of love to a girl was in... i don't remember the year but i was in class 1 ;) . I eventually ended up telling the same girl the same thing again in class 6 and again(this was the last) in class 8. She still talks to me..i hope even 'she' did so too. No diversion... let get back to track. So now you know Mr. Love Bug has been favourable to me since childhood. So my second biggest crush.. second only to my crush on 'her'...no diversion!!!...was on a girl one year my senior at school. She too(even 'she' is ) happened to be a big Shahrukh Khan fan and Kuch Kuch Hota Hai had just released and the concept of friendship bands was hot and in the air. I somehow managed to persuade my mom to buy a pack of Top Ramen Smoodles that had a couple of friendship bands free. So on friendship band i planned to talk to her and give her that silly piece of cloth called the friendship band. Assembly.... break... school over... man i didn't have the guts. After the entire school had left except for me,her and a couple of her friends, i somehow managed to walk up to her... hold up the band to her... and said "happy friendship day". She smiled and said "thanks" and i turn back and ran away. That was the only time i talked to her!!!

I have had a lot of incidents like these but i am too sleepy to write about them now. Maybe some other time if i get some time off from my love. But before i leave ...

Yeh zamana bahut hai khaas
Cheeta peeta hai cold drink jab lagta hai pyaas
Ghodon ko nahi milti hai ghaas
Aur gadhe kha rahe hain chawanprash

Drowning in my sorrow...

2008-04-08T00:05:00.000+05:30

Nashe ke liye sharab ki kya zaroorat
Unki to aankhon mein nasha hai
Na le paaye us nashe ka mazaa
Yeh mili hume unse pyaar karne ki sazaa

I have lost track of the passing days and nights. I don't know what day it is today. I don't remember what i did yesterday. All i remember are the Jagjit Singh songs playing on my laptop and 'her' picture on the screen. I don't remember when i last looked at 'her'. It feels like eternity but i am sure its must only be a few days. Yes, i have not been looking at 'her' for... i have no estimate of the time,it feels like weeks or maybe months...but i am sure its just a few days. Maybe i looked at 'her' on friday...before the weekend... but whenever it was, it seems a long time. And now i do have a reason not to look at 'her'. 'She' looks away and that really hurts. Hurts more than i had imagined. Hurts more than i thought i could tolerate.

They say "time heals all wounds". Its over three weeks now and my wound is deteriorating. 'She' looks at me now... only to look away every time i look back. I think i can now read 'her' eyes... they express hatred. 'She' looks just as beautiful with that hatred in 'her' eyes and without 'her' smile but that beauty doesn't appeal to me. I could give up all desire to talk to 'her' only if 'she' could smile at me every time i look at 'her'. 'Her' hatred somehow seems a lot unlike 'her'. Maybe 'she' is putting in a lot of effort to express 'her' fictitious hatred. Maybe to keep me away...maybe to prevent any more desires within me from growing... maybe because 'she' actually hates me??? A lot of questions and no one to answer them. Only if 'she' would care to answer them for me... only if 'she' would care to tell me why i deserve this hatred... only if 'she' would care to understand me.

Drowned in my sea of sorrow i think of tomorrow... the same way i used to think a few weeks back. But theres a difference. Then i couldn't wait to get back to be near 'her'. Now i don't dare to be near 'her'. 'Her' voice no longer soothes me... it hurts me now. 'Her' laughter no longer delights me... it aggravates my pain. The strand of 'her' hair tickling 'her' face no longer enthuses me... it seems to strangle me. Everything about 'her' adds to my sorrow. And still i don't know why i am sad. I find a strong resemblance between my sadness and that of Antonio in beginning of The Merchant of Venice. I wish i meet the same fate too. A lot of pain only to find happiness at the end. I am not willing to stay drowned in my sadness but i don't see a way out. With each passing day i find myself drowning deeper and deeper. I find solace in the darkness of my room. I don't remember the last time i turned on the lights in my room. But its better than being near 'her'. At least 'her' pictures don't look away from me... at least 'her' pictures don't give me that look of hatred... I found the perfect song that befits my condition :

Sau rang mohabbat ke yeh mujhko dikhati hai
Na ruthti hai mujhse, na yeh sharmati hai
Seene se laga loon to, lag jaati hai seene se
Tum se to kai achi tasveer tumhaari hai

Sad at last...

2008-03-31T21:54:00.000+05:30

For three long weeks i have resisted the temptation to talk to 'her' . I have stifled all desires to talk to 'her'. I have tried my best to avoid 'her'. The desire to talk to 'her' again has been growing with each passing day and i have tried my best to combat the growth of this desire. But all my effort seems to be in vain. The desire never seems to stop growing. I have lost count of the various activities i have involved myself in to distract myself from thinking of 'her'...but every time i have ended up lost in 'her' thoughts. Its as if destiny was playing some sort of game with me... i start the online radio and there plays the song...

Do baatein ho sakti hain sanam tere inkaar ki
Ya duniya se darti hai, ya kadar nahi mere pyaar ki.

...i start stumbling and i land up on a love calculator page which shows the strength of 'her' and my love as 99.78 % ... i plan to write a program, search for some information and the one who posted that information has the same name as 'her'... i call up home and theres my dad asking 'dosti hua ya nahi uske saath'(well he said that in Oriya but that was what he meant)...These are only trivial instance. In everything i do there turns up something that somehow links to 'her'.

I finally seem to have lost to my heart's desire. For the last three days i have unwillingly(not exactly...but still!!!) looked into 'her' eyes... those deep mysterious eyes...only to be disappointed. 'She' now looks back at me... sometimes only for a moment( so what??? at least 'she' does)... but... the smile is never there. There are a couple of contradicting emotions here. 'She' looks just as beautiful... something analogous to ..."a rose by any other name would smell just as sweet" . And 'she' doesn't smile... something analogous to "the moon missing on a full moon night". 'Her' face without 'her' sweet innocent smile hurts and maybe i am the only person deprived of the smile... maybe i'll remain deprived of the smile forever... But as they say... 'hope drives the world', here i am still hoping that someday 'she' will smile at me ...again!!! I am now strategically placed to look into 'her' eyes a lot of times but somehow i try not to do that. Earlier i feared 'she' would look away and that would be more painful than not looking at 'her'. Now i realise 'her' grave expression is a lot more painful than not looking at 'her' or 'her' looking away. 'Her' eyes pierce my heart. Theres no anger in them but they do express something which i cannot comprehend... probably hatred.

For the first time since the series of events started, i am sad. I think i have done pretty well to forge a false smile but the fact remains that i am sad. I don't know why i am sad. Probably because my desires are unfulfilled... probably because they might never be fulfilled... probably because i am the reason for this unfulfilled desire... i have absolutely no idea. I wish someone could understand i am sad. I wish someone would come to me and talk to me about it. I wish SHE(this SHE was the only person who somewhat understood me) was here. SHE always got to know when i was sad. I still remember one occasion when i was sad and as now, was hiding my sadness with forged smiles and laughters. No one cared to notice it but SHE. SHE walked up to me and said..

Tum itna jo muskura rahe ho
Kya gham hai jisko chupa rahe ho.

I don't know how SHE used to know but SHE always did. SHE had this unique ability to get everything out of me and SHE was there every time i needed someone. I wish SHE was there with me even now. SHE is still there somewhere(i know where) but SHE is no more a part of my life(or rather i am no more a part of HER life). What happened between us is a sad story and will maybe come out sometime later.

Enlightening thoughts...LOVE!!!

2008-03-28T17:37:00.000+05:30

Someone has rightly said... "when you avoid something, it tends to comeback and haunt you sometime later in life". While in school i never cared to understand the concept of the conscious, the sub-conscious and the unconscious. And now i wish i would had paid some( a lot of!!!) attention to it. Just when i was starting to keep my life away from 'her'... just when i was starting to think of other things in life... just when i had stopped dreaming of 'her' at nights, 'I Dream of Her' again!!! That sounds a lot synonymous to 'I Dream of Jeannie' and had a similar effect too... instills the desire for the company of Jeannie( 'her'). I wish i could have paid enough attention to the concepts of the consciouses to understand what makes you dream. But that was not to be and here i am awake before daybreak on a saturday morning, woken by one of 'her' dreams and thinking about 'her'...again!!! Awake at 4:12 am, all i think is... what actually did i do wrong? Is telling someone "i am in love with you" such a rude thing?? Is falling in love an irremissible crime??

How do you define love? I define it as ... when you like something about someone so much that he/she becomes an obsession... when you miss someone when he/she is not around... when you feel happy on remembering about someone or the moments you spent with him/her.... when you care about someone... when you feel like being with someone all the time... there can never be an exhaustive list of what happens you feel in love. But whatever it is, love is just beautiful. I deny the belief that you need to know a person before falling in love with them. You can fall in love with a person's beauty, simplicity, innocence, way of talking... anything... except the physique or figure ;). That tends to make love non-platonic and thats not how love is. I also deny the belief that you fall in love just once.

Before i proceed, heres a question i would like to ask... have you ever said the words 'I LOVE YOU' to someone or rather wish to say it to someone? If your answer is yes, heres another question... whoz that person?? Your girlfriend, boyfriend, someone else you love... Have you ever said that to your parents, brothers, sisters, anyone else in your family, friends... ??? Just because you haven't, does that mean you don't love them? Maybe we have grown up perceiving love as only existing between husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends (exisitng and aspiring)... so much that the thought of a person falling in love with another person of the opposite sex only ends up drawing the image of the desire to get into a relationship. But is that always true?? Are your feelings for your spouses and significant others so unique that you don't feel the same for anyone else?? Do you not like to be with our family and friends as much as we like being near our special friends from the other gender. Of course i am assuming that you care for you families and friends but thats true for the most of the human race. Why then does the revelation of love is considered an offense? Why then do we differentiate love based on the relation we share with that person?

This is not the first time i have been the victim of the difference in opinion on love. And maybe this won't be the last either. But who cares, you don't need to be with the person you love to enjoy the beauty of love. The mind provides enough images and thoughts to show you how beautiful life becomes when you are in love. And i am quite happy with that... not as happy as i could be but yes happy enough not to be sad :)

In case you didn't care to notice, i was also avoiding 'her' for the last few days and there 'she' was... back again... to haunt me!!! This just proves the robustness of the saying in the first line.

Dangling pointer....

2008-03-26T21:24:00.000+05:30

...arrey mamu apun ko nahi maloom tha kisi ki aankhon mein dekhne ke liye bhi itna daring zaroorat hoga kabhi... aaj tak to sala apun sabki aankhon mein bindaas dekhte aaya tha.. chahe college mein professor gaali de raha ho... ya koi ladki khoonas de rahi ho... apunko sala kis baat ka darr... but bidu yahaan to kuch aur hi locha hai... sala jitna bhi koshish kare uski aankhon mein dekh hi nahi pata... sar apne aap doosri taraf ghum jaata hai... sala bapu ka baat maanke apun vinamrata se sab kuch bol daala aur ab yeh... kya bolega aur.. bas yehi ki

sapna toota hai to dil kahin jalta hai
haan thoda dard hua, par chalta hai

Not much progress made... i never imagined looking into someone's eyes would be so difficult. I actually succeeded in doing that a couple of times...only!!!The first time... 'she' was looking back at me... i believe i saw a faint smile before 'she' decided to look away. The second time... 'she' was busy on the phone and didn't look at me. The outcome is that i am still unsure about how 'she' feels about me now. I feel i have a striking resemblance with a dangling pointer. Still trying to find out where i am heading and yet no clues on where i am heading.

Ooooooooooohhhh......it was so great to look at 'her'. 'She' just looked so angelic. I could look at 'her' all day. I can still do that but i don't. Orkut's today's fortune for me says..."Your present plans are going to succeed". I dunno what that means though. I have no plan plans as such. If you call looking at 'her' a plan then i do have one. Two more days to execute the plan... it feels too cheap to call it a plan!! Two more days to get a few more glimpses of her. Two more days before i am again with my favourite companion... my loneliness!!! Theres a small fact behind why i like my loneliness so much. Its the only thing that understands me the way i am...completely!!! Not that i am too complex to understand but no one has ever tried to understand me.There has been only one person who has actually understood me...a bit... and i wish SHE hadn't even done that. Maybe that way SHE would still be a part of my life. Anyways, i like being with my loneliness but that doesn't make me a loner.Its just that there are times in everyones life when people misunderstand you... or rather don't understand you. These are times when you like to be with someone who understand you. And i am again in one of those phases of life. I have lost count of how many times i have been thorough this phase. But it feels good being in this phase. At least i realise how different i am from others and i am proud of it.

I wish 'she' could just understand me a bit. Just enough to understand why all this happened. Just enough to realise how different i am from others. Just enough to know that i just wanted to be close to 'her'. Just wanted to be able to look into 'her' eyes anytime i wanted...to talk to 'her' voice anytime i wanted... to look at 'her' smile anytime i wanted... to make 'her' laugh... to laugh with 'her' and theres no end to what i desired.

Burning desire...

2008-03-23T22:32:00.000+05:30

"...god said let there be light and there was light"... I wished 'she' looked into my eyes again and there 'she' was looking into my eyes. After a wait of five days finally it happened again. Not intentionally...but it did happen. Not for a long time...but it did happen. Not a very welcoming look... but it did happen. In these five days, the mystery in 'her' eyes seem to have multiplied infinitely. Multiplied enough to keep me awake another night... enough to set my heart on fire... enough to fuel my already burning desire. For five days i had successfully avoided 'her' eyes and planned to do the same for an indefinite period of time but after what happened today i wonder if i would actually be able to restrain from looking into 'her' eyes again and again and again and...

It just happened. Busy on the phone, as i walked past 'her', i looked at 'her'... the same way as i used to do every time i walked past 'her' before the fall of the events... and there 'she' was... looking back at me. I wanted to look away...i couldn't, i wanted to smile at 'her'... i couldn't, i wanted to read 'her' eyes... i couldn't. I just kept looking at 'her' eyes... my feet stopped for a moment, i lost track of the conversation on the phone, i was drowning in the depths of 'her' eyes, my lips were twitching to smile but something was stopping them, my heart started beating faster than it had in the last few days... it was like 'her' eyes were casting some spell on me. I was waiting for 'her' to smile... i was waiting for 'her' "hi" ... nothing happened and i moved on.

These few days of self-restrain seem futile now. The desire i was trying to strangle is in flames again. There can't be more pain than there has already been. 'She' can't be further than 'she' already is. If indeed i need to die, i would prefer a death by drowning in 'her' eyes... i would prefer being stabbed by 'her' voice.

Enlightening thoughts...happiness!!!

2008-03-21T14:09:00.000+05:30

I still remember the first time 'she' spoke to me..."lunch ho gaya" were the words.I still remember the first time 'she' smiled at me...it was my second day at work...i still remember the numerous "HIs" 'she' told me...i still remember 'her' picturesque smile everytime 'she' looked at me...i still remember.........i just remember everything about 'her'. Not that it has been too long, but how many times do you remember everything that happened in the last 25 days ??? And how can i forget anything... every memory of 'her' is just too beautiful to forget. I sometimes wonder what if i hadn't done what i did...maybe then i would be happier than i am now (i wonder if that would indeed be true)...may then i could still walk upto 'her' and talk to 'her' whenever i felt like...maybe then i could still look at 'her' anytime i wanted...maybe then i could still laugh with 'her'....maybe then 'she' would still smile at me...there are a lot of things that could have happened but why think of them when they aren't going to happen. But would that had indeed made me happy??

How do you define happiness? Something that makes you feel good. How do you define the feeling of goodness? Something that makes you smile or laugh. In case you haven't noticed, i italicized the words happiness,good and goodness. Nothing special about them...its just that they are abstract intangible entities. Another question... about whose happiness do you care the most in this world ? If your answer is a subset of ...parents, siblings, relatives, friends, pets.... or someone else you know...i don't believe you. The only person about whose happiness you care in this world is YOU. If you don't think so...i am proud of you but i still feel its always ones SELF that one cares the most about...this is at least true for people with a good deal of self-respect and i am proud i fall into that category of people.Yah, i am a person obsessed with the philosophy of the self. I don't know if there is any such philosophy...if there isn't then its my philosophy :).

So moving on with the philosophy of the self, i feel happy if at the end of each day i can face my image in the mirror and say "here i am...free of guilt". Sounds too philosophical???Well thats the way i am.Its not that what i do always appears right to everyone. I am not a fan of Gandhigiri. I prefer the policy of tit-for-tat. I am not adverse to using physical force when the situation demands and i decide whether the situation demands it or not. I am fun loving... i do a lot of things that are not ethical... but if i feel theres no harm doing it, i don't mind doing it. So, with this brief insight into myself, lets get back to the topic of happiness. For all those who feel they care about someone else's happiness more than their own happiness, think again. Whatever you do or think is all for your own self. You feel you care about someone because even the thought of not caring about that someone,more than your self ,makes you feel guilty. You feel happy caring about someone more than yourself because it makes 'you' happy. So no matter what way you think, its always the happiness of the self that matters.

What makes you happy is completely a case of personal choice. And so is the amount of happiness linked with your choice. Many times you have to choose between difficult choices and your decision decides whether your happiness would be spiritual or materialistic. You would prefer spiritual happiness if you are a person with self-respect. And if you are not, you don't deserve to be talked about.

Getting back to what i did,everything comes for a cost.Even happiness. If i wouldn't had told 'her' about my feelings then maybe some or all of the numerous things i listed at the beginning of the post could had been true. But then i wouldn't be as guilt-free as i am now. I am happy about what happened. I sacrificed materialistic happiness for spiritual happiness. Maybe the materialistic happiness of still being with 'her' would had given me more happiness but what about mental peace. A week of silence about my feelings was driving me crazy.What about months???

The conclusion is ...there are a lot of ways you can be happy, but its for you to decide what will indeed make you happy and still will let you have a guilt-free conscience . I am happy about what i did and i feel sad about 'her' absence from my life. Maybe i would be happier if inspite of all that happened everything would still be as it was. But that tale only time will tell.

Lost in her thoughts....

2008-03-20T23:06:00.003+05:30

Its been two days now since i last talked to 'her'. In these two days i haven't looked at 'her'...no,that would be a lie...i haven't stared at 'her'...that would be perfect. I have been looking at 'her' stealthily when i knew 'she' wouldn't know me watching. Every time i cross 'her',i start staring at the floor...every time 'she' comes in front of me,i look away. Why??? I have no answer. That happens involuntarily. Maybe because I don't want to stare at 'her' angry eyes...maybe because i don't want 'her' to look away from me...maybe because 'she' wouldn't like me staring... maybe because i don't want 'her' to feel uncomfortable with me around...maybe because i don't want to remember what happened...maybe...a lot of maybes???Well they are the only things that exist!!! Its just like :

वो सामने आते हैं तो नज़रें झुका लेते हैं

अपने घम को मुस्कुरा के छुपा लेते हैं
भीड़ में भी तनहा मेहसूस करते हैं
दिल ही दिल में अब भी उनपे मरते हैं

While remembering those days before the Goa trip i read the text that made up the About me section in my orkut profile.For those who missed it, here it is...about me :

" tall and fair with a good sense of humor..i have the ability to fall in love with a different gal every single minute ;) ..just kiddin...all i wud like u to know about me is that i am currently in LOVE!!!not just in love...deeply in love!!! i just hope its not another one of my one sided love affairs!!!but who cares...it feels so good to be in love!!!i wish to tell her about my feelings...but how ??? her smile makes me drop dead...her 'hi' rings in my ears all da day and her face haunts me in my dreams!!!don't ask me who she is coz i won't tell u...but i guess she wud know when she reads this!!!all i can tell u abt her is...

तारीफ करूँ क्या उनकी जिनकी हर बात तारीफ के काबिल हो...
हमारे तनहा मेहफिल में कभी वह भी तो शामिल हों...
दिल की बात तो हम केह नही पाते...
आंखों की जुबां काश वो समझ जाते...
हमे देख के काश शर्मा के मुस्कुराते...
उन्हें भी प्यार है हमसे सपने में ही केह जाते!!!

new update (6th march '08)...

आज उन्होंने हस के कर ली हमसे दो बात...
अब तो पता नही कैसे गुज़रेगी ये रात...
तरस जाते हैं उनके दीदार को नैन...
आता नही उनको देखे बिना एक पल भी चैन...
बस नज़र आता है उनका मासूम चेहरा...
और उनकी आँखें जिनमे जैसे राज़ हो कोई गेहरा...
डूब जाएं उन आंखों में बस येही है ख्वाइश...
काश पुरी कर देता कोई हमारी ये फरमाइश...
समझ क्यों नही जाते अब वो हमारे दिल के बातें...
काटे नही कटती अब तो ये तनहा रातें!!! "

Hardly 15 days and everything is over...over before anything started...am a sad about it but not actually...why??will tell u in the next post...coz if i start writing i'll just go on....

लिखना जो शुरू करें
दुनिया भर की स्याही कम पड़ जायेगी
उन्हें भुलाने की जितनी भी कोशिश करें
उनकी याद तो ज़रूर आएगी

Chapter closed!!!

2008-03-18T21:35:00.000+05:30

I finally decided i will provide details of the events that occurred in the days at Goa. But before i start i would like to inform everyone that 'she' wants the chapter to be closed. 'Shes' not ready to understand my point of view.'She' feels i am just coming up with an excuse to talk.Fine thats enough for my self-respect.If 'shes' not willing to understand i don't care about making 'her' understand.How many have there been those who have ever understood me....only one and even shes (this she is not 'her') not a part of my life anymore.

Moving on to the day we left Pune, i tried my best to look at 'her' as much as i could, that was the first time i think i stared back into 'her' eyes...oh how i loved to stare into 'her' eyes!!! The looooong journey by bus was a bit eventful for i was with 'her' for a looooong time. I didn't talk to 'her' much though but i made sure i captured as many images of 'her' as possible in my mind and stared back at 'her' everytime i got a chance...i expected 'her' to read my eyes but sadly 'she' couldn't.

So finally we reached Goa and what welcomed me was an uneventful first morning and afternoon as well. I indulged in a bit of water sports, tried flying a kite...only to find out that i tied the string wrong both the times, displayed my skills at volleyball.... and kept looking for 'her', only to find 'her' somewhere far away. Well the evening and night was still to come.It was time for the Gala Dinner. I was planning to ask 'her' for a walk on the beach and then say it all....!!! I was prepared... ready to impress with my dancing skills. But...others took the dance floor before me.Not because i was not willing but because 'she' wasn't there yet. And there 'she' comes...with the dance floor already overcrowded and me having already displayed my skills...with hair let loose...that image of 'her' kills!!! That was the first time i was seeing 'her' with 'her' hair flowing...upto 'her' shoulders... 'she' looked just so mesmerizing. It took me quite a few moments to realise that i was standing in the middle of the dance floor staring at 'her'.

Within minutes 'she' was there on the dance floor...oooh 'she' dances so well. Only if i could have had a chance to dance with 'her'. The heart was beating harder than i ever remember it beating... my legs were moving on their own...my head was turned towards 'her'... 'she' was dancing happily...laughing...enjoying every moment. "Nothing could go wrong" was all i was thinking. Everything was perfect...until....'she' disappeared...no where around....half an hour gone...still missing...'she' left for 'her' room was all i could come to know. That was the end of all the plans i had...sadly even i retreated to my room...tried to go off to sleep cursing my luck when....i struck gold again!!!The next evening we had a party on a cruise..there would be a dj...there would be a band performing...and there would be a mic!!!Enough for the night..time for 'her' dreams.

Next morning and beach olympics...i had made arrangements so that 'she' and me were on the same team but dunno who changed the team :( ...anyways my team did ok...won kabadi,lost volleyball...inspite of my great smashes, lost cricket...all credit to our captain,won football...i scored there too and now it was time for another win...tug of war...we had a couple of healthy bodies on our side. But wait...whats this...'she' was on the other side.No giants on 'her' side (except me..as you will find out later) and there they were with 'her' happy winning games. All set and it starts...dunno how much it would had mattered with me trying but i was happy letting the rope loose...and we lost both the times. There 'she' was ...happy with 'her' well deserved victory(???)... the english language doesn't have words to describe the look on 'her' face...'she' looked so fabulous....so splendid...so innocent...so simple....i just seem to love everything about 'her'!!! As the sun soared higher we left for sight seeing...we didn't see much of Goa but i did fill my heart with endless sights of 'her'.All was going fine...we even talked a bit...i even made sure 'she' hears the lines i wrote for 'her' :

हसीं रात भी थी
उनसे केहने के लिए दिल में बात भी थी
पर केह ना पाये वो
कहना चाहते थे उनसे जो
देखते ही रह गए उनका मासूम चेहरा
जिन्पे दे रही थी उनकी आँकें पेहरा
कैसे कहें उनसे दिल की बातें
कैसे कहें कैसे गुज़रती है रातें

Something strange happened that day though. At times 'she' came so close that our hands touched. That was the first time in my life i was feeling conscious touching a girl. I had never felt that way before...i had never differentiated the way i behave with boys and girls but this was strange. I was surprised too...one touch and my heart started beating ten faster...wish i could have hugged 'her'...played with 'her' hair...tickled ‘her’ cheeks...

Finally on the boat and everyone was busy getting faces painted as pirates( pirates was the theme) ... i sneaked upto the king pirate(thats what he liked to call himself) and there he was willing to help me. It was going to happen now...everything was set...it was going to happen in grand style..and he spoils it all...that !@#%^#$@ king pirate.Here is what he says "here we have Udayan who has special message for a beautiful girl who is on the board with us.." !@#$# How many times had i told him not to say that.Now i was nervous.My bosses were there...everyone from the top...and now i was gonna be screwed. I hesitantly walked up to the mic and ..."i wish i were that strand of hair...that tickles you cheek so smooth and fair....i wish i were that ray of light... that makes your eyes shine so bright..i wish i were..."bloody hell i forgot the lines...i was too nervous... damn you king pirate !@#$%". I somehow completed the lines...next set of lines... "your eyes are mysterious...i want to unravel their mystery..." i again fumble...end it there and lets go on with the dance...all set...nothing can go wrong with the dance.."lady hear me tonight"... great start... everyones shouting... and again we have a spoiler ...that !@#$%^& dj... man its a solo who asked you to mix the music...lyrics gone haywire...a pathetic piece of music playing for what seemed to be eternity... me repeating the same steps and booooo...this wasn't how i expected it to be...Though everyone said the dance was great...even ‘she’ said that too...i wasn't satisfied... everything for 'her' needs to be perfect...sadly we are back in the bus returning to the resort...playing antakshari...'she' got all the old romantics out me. Maybe now 'she' knows i was singing it all for 'her'!!!

Too much load...i couldn't take it any longer...i sms 'her' about my feelings and wait for 'her' to reply.I was expecting a call and a good shout, but one hour gone...no reply...i sms again...whole night gone...i haven't slept...its the day we were leaving...no reply..'shes' nowhere to be seen... i am waiting... ready even to be slapped... 'her' silence was killing me...and then 'she' arrives... in a newlook...glasses...hair let loose... who can dare not to fall in love with this angel?? 'Shes' not looking at me... we leave for the airport...i am lucky enough to get into the same bus as ‘she’ and my luck doesn't end there...from the seat i get i see 'her' straight in the mirror. Two and half hours of the bus ride to the airport and i keep on looking at 'her' image in the mirror all this time... not feeling my aching neck... 'she' looks so sweet while sleeping... how i wish i could look at 'her' this way forever!!!So finally at Pune ...a lot of smses...none replied to....a lot of calls...none answered... another night without sleep!!!

So back to office the next day and there 'she' is...as beautiful as ever. Day over and i call 'her', finally 'she' picks up the phone and i don't have words to speak!!! I somehow manage to ask 'her' is we could talk for some time and 'she' says 'she' will call in 2 minutes...'she' isn't angry...'her voice didn't say that though. Half an hour gone and no call..i call again and ‘she’ doesn't pick up....one hour gone... finally after what seemed like ages ‘she’ calls. I reject the call and call up... and 'she' shoots... angry...how good it felt to hear 'her' voice...'she' sounds so sweet when 'shes' angry...i could listen to 'her' shout all my life!!! So we talk and 'shes' angry and theres nothing else left except...another night without sleep!!!Next day again passes and again i call up in the evening...'shes' still angry... not ready to listen to what i have to say...'she' wants the chapter closed...why doesn't 'she' understand??That was too much for my self respect...i keep down the phone and thats the end...not of my love...its the end of me trying to explain 'her' my point of view. So now chapter closed as 'she' wants...I won't try to talk to 'her' anymore...but i am still deeply in love with 'her' and i would prefer to be this way... as i say :

वो नही चाहते थे हम उन्हें देखे
हमने उनका दीदार करना छोड़ दीया
वो नही चाहते थे हम उनके पास आये
हमने अपने रास्ता ही मोड़ दीया
मन की उन्होने हमारा दिल तोडा
पर ऐसा नही है की हमने उनसे प्यार करना छोड़ दीया

Good news...bad news....good news....bad news!!!!

2008-03-17T22:17:00.000+05:30

Before i create suspense i decide to end it. I told 'her' about my feelings and 'shes' angry.And before i proceed heres what i have to say :

प्यार में मिले दर्द का भी अपना मज़ा होता है
खुशी होती है जब यह दिल रोता है
आँसू का हर बूँद यह बयान करता है
की यह दिल तुमसे कितना प्यार करता है !!!

I don't know what i should say.Am too sad to write anything now.Maybe tomorrow or the day after or the day i am better. Its all that i told 'her' that i was in love with 'her' and 'shes' angry. After two days of silence 'she' finally talked to me.'She' was angry and why shouldn't 'she' be... 'She' said i didn't know 'her'...i didn't know i needed to!!! 'She' talked but i could make out 'shes' still angry. I don't know if i should talk to 'her' again. I want to know if what i did was right. Is disguising your feelings with friendship right?? Would it had been right if i hadn't told 'her' about my feelings and got close to 'her' in the shade of friendship?? Isn't this what is called betrayal?? Is what others are doing right?? 'She' doesn't even know about it. Why do i always have to be what i am?? I know the answer...coz i am a man of substance, a man with self-respect, dignity. At least when i die i won't feel guilty about anything and i am proud of what i did what if it has brought so much sadness!!!

Lost in your eyes!!!

2008-03-12T15:33:00.000+05:30

I wish i were that strand of hair,
That tickles your cheek so smooth and fair.
I wish i were that ray of light,
That makes your eyes shine so bright.
I wish i were that breeze of air,
That flows past you with so much care.
I wish i was your image in the mirror,
That looks at you without any fear.
If only I could dare,
To tell you how much i care.

Another day gone and still no progress made. Why?? I have no answer. Its not that i didn't have a chance to talk to 'her'.Its just that i couldn't. I don't know what happens to me when 'she' is around. I just keep looking at 'her'...stunned by 'her' beauty,lost in the depth of 'her' eyes, capturing every aspect of 'her' simplicity. 'Shes' the perfect epitome of the feminine mystery. It would take more than a Sherlock Holmes to unravel 'her' mystery. But only a fool would want to do that. I would be happy enough to remain drowned in 'her' mystery forever and ever and ever!!!

One thought that struck me today was...what if i could never go upto 'her' and tell 'her' how i feel about 'her' ??? I discarded this thought (at least for some time now) saying who cares...it just feels so great to be in love with 'her'. Presently i am more than happy with looking at her' from afar, listening to 'her' voice as 'she' talks to others,thinking about 'her' when 'shes' not around and loving 'her' without 'her' knowing about it. I would prefer continuing this way till the time 'she' gets the hint that its 'her' and i have expressed my love to such an extent that 'she' knows there can't be anyone who could love 'her' more than me...and yes that would be true indeed!!!

And as for now,its over 3:00 am and i gotta go to the office tomorrow.Not to work, but to be near my love. So i take leave,catch you again soon.

Haunted Dreams!!!

2008-03-09T21:06:00.001+05:30

Last night I dreamt of you
You were there real and true
Such beautiful me dream grew
Only if the dream came true!!!

You were there sweet and shy
Like rain in my life so dry
Being with you was great pleasure
Your company,the most precious treasure.

When I woke, you no longer spoke
You were gone,leaving me alone
So near and yet so far
Like an angel from a distant star.

This is what one day without her did to me. Now i think even i can sing the song...

"Main shayar to nahi
Magar ae haseen
Jabse dekha
Maine tujhko
Mujhko
Shaayari aa gayi!!!!"

Its sunday evening and i can proudly say i haven't done anything significant since morning except devouring a plate chicken tikka biryani, a plate of paneer tikka, gulping down about a litre of Limca (maybe that tells you something about the foodie i am) and of course thinking of 'her'. And thats not the end of my rude demeanour towards this sunday. I plan to do nothing significant for the rest of the day as well except for maybe a trip to 'The Bounty' (oooooooooh i love their sizzlers!!!)The insignificant part may very well consist of getting my first pair of contact lenses, a trip to the gym,downloading some stuff and of course 'stumbling'. For all those who are still unknown to 'stumbling' , checkout their site,download their toolbar and get addicted.Yup, that isn't a typo. You can get really addicted!!!

So getting back to my love life...i can't describe what i am going through.Not that its the first time i am going through all this(...favourite piece of code!!!), but i don't remember when i felt this way for someone the last time.'Shes' getting too intense, probably to the extent of becoming an obsession.I can't get myself away from thinking about 'her', all that fills my mind is her sweet visage...with deep dreamy eyes,strands of hair tickling her cheeks...oh i just can't describe those images...How i wish to talk to her...to hear her voice....to look into her eyes...but sadly all i can do at present is steal glances of her ....follow her to the cafeteria just hoping to get a chance to talk... and yah say the regular 'hi' every morning.

I don't have any idea about how long its gonna go on this way. Maybe this won't be the case after the Goa getaway...yah i am going to Goa on the 13th with her ;)...the entire office in fact!!! I hope to break the ice out there....take her for a candle lit dinner on the beach...get onto my knees and say :

"Your eyes are mysterious...i want to unravel their mystery,
Your smile is intoxicating...i want to get intoxicated,
Your voice is melodious..i want to drown in its melody.
Every night i dream of you
Every moment i think of you
I can't explain how i feel about you
Theres just one thing i would like to tell you...
i love you ."

My first blog!!!!

2008-03-07T22:26:00.000+05:30

Oooohhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!! Finally after such a long wait, here it comes...my first blog.Not that i wasn't able to but coz i didn't have time. College kept me busy..not wid studies but with Age of Empires . But why worry for whats gone is gone and life is still on.

You must be wondering why i named the blog "love bug's favourite piece of code"...well i completed my engineering in Information technology and was working for Wipro Technologies. As with any other software engineer 'code' has become an inseparable entity in my life. As for the 'love bug' part of it...i assume that you must be aware of the love bug( use your own discretion to decide which one!!!) So the entire term "love bug's favorite piece of code" comes from the frequency with which the love bug decides to bite me. The frequency with which i become love bug's victim forces me to believe that i must be its favourite...justifiable?? I am convinced and i don't care about convincing u (huh...is this a programming lab and am i explaining why my algorithm would work??? !!! But theres a slight twist here. As much as the entire software fraternity hates bugs, I love the love bug as much more. And why shouldn't i, after all it feels so great to be in love

Enough said lets get back to my life. My life thats no longer mine. My life that was mine before it was hijacked by 'her'...(okkkay i was watching OSO!!!) Lets move on...so i fell in love with 'her' the last time mr. love bug decided to bite me.This happened about a week back and my body hasn't yet been able to create an antibody for the 'lovely antigens( her smile,her beauty,her shyness,her voice..............)' mr. love bug transmitted into me. Even the testers in my body haven't found the source of the exceptions 'she' has been causing. 'She' has reprogrammed my brain to write shayaris and poems instead of the SQL queries i should be writing. The hard disk in my cranium is filled with bitmaps of 'her' images. My speakers keep playing the few words 'she' ever spoke to me(with repeat and shuffle!!) but sadly my microphone has been muted so communication with 'her' is only simplex (my networking professor would be pleased wid this). Even McAfee and Norton haven't been able find patches for the bug...who wanted them anyway...i uninstalled them the day i detected the bug!!!The same goes for Phadia,Pfizer, GSK,DSI,MGI .....wondering wat these are???these are pharmaceutical companies( my current company deals with the pharma sector.)No medicines for me yet and they better not make any if they don't want to incur loss.

Moving on, let me tell u something more about 'her'. 'She' is sweet, beautiful,shy, with deep eyes (i haven't been able to look into her eyes too long to tell u the colour of her eyes), her voice strikes some chords deep in my heart.Now i understand what they meant by

dekha(suna) jo tujhe yaar
dil mein baje guitar....!!!!

To know more about what 'she' has done to me, visit my orkut profile http://www.orkut.com/Profile.aspx?uid=18015051816823814344

I guess that would be enough for the first post but before i end i would like to dedicate this post to my dearest sister.Well she s a bit upset coz she didn't qualify into the finals of the Femina Miss India 2008. But hey sis i called them up and this is what they said for not selecting you :
1. With you the competition would had been one-sided.No one else would have had a chance.
2. They couldn't find anyone to judge you.Everyone declined to judge saying u were perfect.
3. .........
....
...
∞ . They didn't want to risk George Bush attacking India. They say you smile is a weapon of mass destruction.

Any one who dares to deny this??

No matter what these silly competitions result in you are just the best.Love u loads.

And for the rest of u folks.Thats all for now.Catch u soon(tomorrow ..oops! today itself, its a new day already) with more about my lady love. Till then